I wake up feeling negative every day. Not just because I force myself to wake up earlier than I want to, but also because life can feel like an unending rat race sometimes.
Maybe that’s why I do routines, mainly by working out and writing right after I wake up. Because then, no matter how my day goes, I’d at least have improved in my main priorities in life.
Yet I can’t shake the thought that I’m operating at a lower level than most people I know. Like, my friends don’t have problems standing up for themselves. They don’t have problems talking to strangers, or doing the groceries.
Me? Just the thought of having to do the groceries short-circuits my brain. Because the possibilities of things going wrong are endless.
That’s how I’ve come to develop an avoidant personality. And that’s why I always default to inaction. Because not doing something takes away the need to ‘calculate’.
But then there’s also the flip side of the coin: I’m this way because I’m destined for greatness.
A far stretch, you say? Well, allow me to make my case.
Anxiety in the tiniest things
I had a pretty normal childhood in a lower-middle-class family. That meant not having to worry about food or shelter, but also not having the latest Sega Mega Drive or Alien Workshop jeans.
You know another thing I didn’t have? Problems. And I have to say, that’s nurtured a rather sheltered view of the world.
So now, whenever it’s time to make a call say, to complain about a leaky roof, I totally freeze up. Ditto voicing out in meetings. All these trivial things scare the shit out of me.
Cancelling appointments scares me. Taking a new spin class scares me. Heck, I even dread seeing my neighbour in the distance, because saying hi to them scares me.
But what if this fear is my mind’s way of making sure I perform at my fullest potential? What if it was just me physiologically summoning the energy required?
Maybe, through this jolt of adrenaline, I can sound clearer, articulate myself better, and even think clearer.
Or what if this was an indicator of what needs to be worked on in my life? What if this fear is a map that we’re all looking for in life that was right under our noses all this time?
What I’ve learned: For me, the biggest bulk of my social anxiety comes from a fear of rejection. I hate to be hated. And that probably goes back to my life being all hunky dory as a child.
And I’ve since accepted that being rejected or looking stupid is simply the price of admission to personal growth. If I want to get on the ride called Life, I can’t not pay the entry fee.
So maybe I get spooked much easier than the average person. But maybe I’m built to always be at my best when it matters.
I’m lazy as hell
Anthony Bourdain said it best when he said “I understand there’s a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy.”
And I’m not quoting him from the hustle angle either. It’s not that I want to work myself into the ground. It’s that I have so many lazy pursuits I’d rather fall back on—like watching TV, sleeping, and playing video games—that I’d never, ever be productive if I had things my way.
So yeah, this isn’t self-flagellation. It’s overcoming the perpetual desire for inertia. In fact, I’ve never been particularly ambitious. “Money’s not important,” I used to say. “It’s all about happiness.”
But then I realised that I was just a lazy bum who didn’t care about anything or anyone else. I could live off ramen and discount produce if I’m honest. The lower the expenses, the less I have to work, right?
Now that I’m thinking of starting a family, I’m learning just how lazy of a person I’ve been. Today I have so much to think about. There are the medical fees. Education. Food. Equipment.
So how can I spin this for the better? Is there even a path to greatness through laziness?
What I’ve learned: Well, the biggest blessing that sloth has bestowed upon me is the systems that have materialised out of my disdain for work.
I now make micro-goals when feeling particularly apathetic. I have routines in place so that I don’t overtax my brain with decisions. I find more efficient ways of doing things like prepping my food for the week.
There are so many productive tasks that have been born out of my laziness, and while I may seem productive to you on paper, just know that I wouldn’t be doing any of them if I weren’t lazy.
I doubt everything about myself
For the longest time ever, I’ve always doubted my ability to achieve my dreams. Only in the past couple of years have I begun working on my self-respect, mostly by doing the things I said I’d do.
The doubt always lingers though. Just last week, when hanging out with younger journalists from other media outlets, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling inferior to the twenty-something-year-olds who were more well-versed with the influencer market and digital platforms.
What can I say? It’s hard to break a lifetime of negative programming. I feel like I’ll never be enough. Heck, I even feel inferior when browsing the WordPress Reader and coming across new bloggers who write way better than me.
But you’ve probably seen this coming. I’m going to turn this self-doubt into a positive. And you know how.
What I’ve learned: I need to feel inferior in order to be better. The moment I think I’m the greatest at something is when I start to ease my foot off the pedal. And that will hurt me more than any doubt ever will.
I’ve reached a funky phase in my writing career. I’ve started to lose interest in writing because every blank page feels like work now. It doesn’t matter if it’s a feature for the magazine or a quick listicle for the blog.
Sitting down to write feels exactly like running my first kilometre in the morning: painful even though it’s necessary.
Yet, the thing that’ll keep me returning to the blank page or the gym is knowing that my spot as a writer, editor, or even publisher in the future, can be easily snatched by those who work harder than me.
And self-doubt is a reliable fuel to make sure I never rest on my laurels. It’s almost like an inexhaustible resource if you think about it.
I hope you’re negative
Because that just means you’re human. I also hope that this perspective will paint your pain in a different light.
They say that the socially-anxious people are the best responders to a crisis. This is because they’re so highly strung all the time that when shit hits the fan, they could approach the problem like it’s just another Tuesday.
So maybe that’s why I wrote this post. To convince you that no matter your battle, there’s always something good to get out of it.
And if you still don’t see a point to any of this, then maybe that’s your call to greatness. The freedom to do anything thanks to your indifference.
Either way, you’re basically a superhero.
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Your Friendly Malaysian Writer 
Stuart, I have to admit, I am negative but very confident. I never doubt my negativity for a second, it’s always there. Also I am never lazy to go out there and let the world know that positivity is overrated, you have to say it loud and clear, leaving all the doubts behind. And finally, who wants to be anxious when you can be depressed like all the time? The choice is easy, it was made long before I was born. It’s in my DNA apparently LOL
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Thank you, I needed this ❤️
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And thank YOU for stopping by!
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Absolutely enjoyed the positive spin on your negativity! Nicely done, Stuart! 💞
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I try! :D
Thanks so much for the support, Dawn! Always appreciate kind words from you.
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Thank you Stuart, for another enjoyable post 🙏😊
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And thank you for always stopping by! ❤️
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I thought for a moment there, I was looking into my own mind! Yes to the anxiety and feeling lazy and it’s a constant struggle to outthink and out-maneuver both. I think too, it comes from a lifetime of other people asking about when I’d get a “real” job-even when I wasn’t actually writing. As if working customer service wasn’t a “real” job or freelancing and starting a business wasn’t a “real” job. You get enough of that kind of feedback, and it would make anyone feel lazy!
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Like Carrie commented, maybe we have ADHD, lol. I love your perspective though, because it seems like through your experience, you’ve found the part of your mind that you can strengthen i.e. being your own cheerleader and tuning out the naysayers. In fact, your comment has given me pause to think about my own life, so thanks for this!
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My goodness! Are you my personality doppelgänger by any chance? I felt like I was ready my daily journals while reading this particular article! But I loved the way you put a positive spin on all the negativity and self doubt. I’m going to write the same in my journal when I am ridden by self doubt and anxiety. Thank you for writing this😊
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Haha, we should compare journal entries and maybe they’re more similar than we think. I love the fact that we can connect through similar viewpoints, especially seeing how we’re on different parts of the world. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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Kindred spirits 😊
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Keep blogging, your posts are interesting :)
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Aww, thanks, Tom! That does put some wind in my sails :)
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Wow! I’m surprised, both positively and negatively, about how much I can relate to your points. Thinking back I do remember how I would re-channel negative energy into positive pursuits. Very relatable.
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Sometimes we gotta be our own cheerleaders, amirite? Just like how we can’t rely on others to exercise for us, I think we too should take control of our mood regulation. Thanks as always for stopping by!
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For someone who is a self-proclaimed sloth, you seem to be very prolific writer 😊
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Gotta admit, I haven’t been writing as much as I want. But I give credit to my day job for getting me to write more than usually would, lol.
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I see my weaknesses much more clearly than my strengths. I start comparing myself to everyone around me in the workplace. This triggers me to work hard because I am not that great than everyone else. This improves my work. On the flip side, this doubt makes it difficult to negotiate salary.
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Ha. I’ve always had lower-than-average salary because I’m afraid to ask for more. A part of my mind just thinks I’m not worth more than a certain price. Then I hear my colleagues asking for at least 50% more for the same job, and I wonder what I’m doing salary-wise, lol. Thanks for your thoughts!
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“To convince you that no matter your battle, there’s always something good to get out of it.” That pretty much sums up my view of life. Someone once said to me “Life gives you the test first, and the lesson later.” Isn’t that the truth? Every challenge, every obstacle has a purpose. Sometimes we need to look harder than others to find the lesson or the positive but it’s there. I believe in you!
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I love the thought that life gives you the challenge first. It makes it much easier to deal with whatever challenge comes my way. Some people—especially those who are religious, for some reason—see all hardship as tests. I don’t readily share that viewpoint, but I can see how it can be beneficial to do so. Anyway, thanks as always for your thoughts, Michelle!
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Hi,
I did read though this article, and the one thing that I can relate to…
…is the part about ‘your fear of rejection and being hated’.
I mean…I had that too.
Looking at people around and they always have something better or something I don’t…skill, attribute, character, possession, whatever.
‘Had’…so it is past tense already.
Honestly, if I didn’t know you…I would say that you are superior…
…based purely on ‘Your Physical Appearance’.
To simply, it is a perception that greatness is defined by the physique…and a part of me still agrees with that.
In some cases, when I looked deeper, people with such physique…
…they still do have their own issues…personal…whatever it may be.
–
Anyway,
I did go to that Festival last Sunday.
I was better…I mean, I just focused on ‘Wanting Everything To Be Perfect’.
I took more pictures of myself, but I didn’t post them here.
I was there since 1030-1600.
The even finished at 1700, but I left early since I had to work early morning the next day.
I spent most of the time in front of the stage, and I loved the DJ and Salsa sessions because of the dancing part.
Just do my best to enjoy even though I was alone.
Everyone was singing and joining when it comes to Ricky Martin’s Livin’ La Vida Loca.
The significant difference is the music.
If it’s DJ or Salsa/Zumba, it would be Latin American Music.
Still, just bits of Spanish I could understand.
There was a booth from UM, promoting their Spanish Language Programme and Portugese Language Course.
I am just…not at a suitable stage to go for that.
–
Anyway, it is my day off…
…and I suddenly found and felt connected to this song. It puts me in a good mood.
RBD – Besame Sin Miedo
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Wow, ‘superior’ is a loaded word indeed, especially when you take into account my 5’5″ frame. But I’ll take that compliment still, lol. But I would have to say that being sure of myself physically does lend a hand in my self-confidence, even though I have so much more to work on when it comes to fully accepting myself.
Again, it’s so interesting to hear of your experience, especially since it’s local. Also respect you for doing what you want to do and having fun without having to wait for others. Keep em coming!
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You know, I wouldn’t be surprised if people are equally intimidated by you when they talk to you 🙂..I agree, it is easier to come up with systems to reduce the avoidance factor when it comes to certain things. Thoughtful, interesting post as usual..thank you!
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Hm, you’ve now given me a perspective I never thought about, lol. While I’m sure it’s hard to be intimidated by small little me, perhaps I should also wonder what people think when in a conversation with me too. What a great thing to think about. Thank you!
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Eloquent phrasing of turning a frown upside down and glass-half-full analogies.
Enjoyed the portrayal because it hit home with me as well.
P.s Don’t let writing become a thing you dread doing because you’re amazing at it.
P.s.s As a fellow writer looking for a remote job…any tips you can throw my way?
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Appreciate the kind words. Always great to receive compliments from a fellow writer.
Regarding remote jobs, I’d say the first important thing is to have a professional and straightforward portfolio. Something your potential clients can see and feel confident enough to send you money.
And for that to work, you’ll have to first ask yourself, what would YOU want to see if you were hiring writers and they were emailing you for a job?
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Stuart, a couple things. You should worry about lack of sleep and exhaustion as it relates to starting a family. A little “old guy” advice. The younguns who are “well-versed with the influencer market and digital platforms” welp let them have it. You can’t compete. I’m 59 and could not care about the influencer market and most digital platforms. I just dont care. You need to focus on the rest of the pie. let the younguns fighting amoungst them selves for a small sliver, you get the rest and all the cream.
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I feel like I’m stuck in between worlds, lol. Not old enough to be in the old-timer game, yet not young enough to fully dive into the social media field. But maybe that’s my strongpoint. To be able to do both. I think. Haven’t figured that part out. But I love your thoughts!
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I can relate to so many of these flaws! I don’t often reflect on how much my anxiety has taught me, but you’re right—in some ways, your weaknesses become your strengths if you let them. Thanks for another great post! 😊
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Oh yeah. We can definitely look at our flaws from both the good and bad perspective. Sometimes, it’s just a matter of choosing the good, amirite? And thank you for always showing support!
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Well, I definitely know that I have a lazy guy inside me as well. It is a good thing that I am not born into some super rich family, or else, I might truly spend the rest of my days watching movies, reading books, and writing reviews of them, while my siblings tussle for power.
And then, I would take notes in the corner to use those tussles for my own stories… Maybe it would have been great if I was born in a rich family.
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Ha. I’ve given this much thought, and I’m afraid I’d be much more of an ass than I already am if I were born super wealthy. But like you, having all the time to read and write would be one of the highlights of being super rich though.
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Interesting blog post Stuart. As always the way you write is incisive, unique and detailed. Man, I have to lament that you make some compelling points such as “ANXIETY IN THE TINIEST THINGS” , LAZINESS AND FEELING INFERIOR” all which are what can help you achieve greatness.
Also, I like the introduction that life feels like a never ending rat race and lately with digital platforms it is hard to keep up with life, things are demanding and it can make a person become lazy. As for me, I am not scared to say hi to a person, it is not like the era of COVID-19 where one needs to social distance another in fear of contacting the virus, it is being a human even by non verbal forms of communication such as a wave or a fist. The thing about life is we all have flaws and these mistakes can be the tools for greatness since we learn and at the end we win like a superhero who at the end of the day is happy that the job is done after so many flaws along the way that were committed 💯
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Great to see you here again as always! And am always appreciative of your kind words. It’s so cool that we share the same thoughts about flaws and the rat race. And I always appreciate you putting your own perspective into the week’s post, because it’s always amazing to share thoughts with people halfway across the world. Keep em coming!
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You got it buddy. Keep it up as well with your thought provoking style of writing♥👌🙌
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I start with this quote that hit home “They say that the socially-anxious people are the best responders to a crisis. This is because they’re so highly strung all the time that when shit hits the fan, they could approach the problem like it’s just another Tuesday.”
This sir is probably one of the best trait the world can have because it motivates people to do there best not only at everything they do but as you said “best in a crisis” can evaluate and make quick good decisions in a crisis. As far as the definition of “socially-anxious people” that is just Google’s negative input as I don’t see it as the negative way it is stated “caring what people think or judged by people” I would consider it as People’s opinions matter because we want to get better at whatever we do and do our best at everything. So that’s one of our social ways asking what you think and do you have any input on doing it better. If they answer then you take it process it and it might be better and might not. If not just dump it.
For you sir knowing your awesome posts we also want to get better so what we do (projects, relationships or anything) we look at it later and are always thinking how to make it or get better.
Trying to flip any negative into a positive because who wants any negativity in there lives.
So its a constant learning in everything to get better help make the world better and everything and one around us better.
So sir
I THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE WORLD BETTER
With your blog
Life
and everything else your might to bro
Stay safe healthy and keep climbing that better mountain man!
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Whoa, first of all, I hope you forgive me for not being able to match your comment length.
Secondly, I love how you took the time to write such supportive words, so you too are making the world a better place. At least my world :P
I hope you continue making other people’s day too, and know that I appreciate you!
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Well, they say ok is the enemy of excellence. Maybe feeling slightly off is what we need to drive us on. I think anyone who is still getting up and having a go in this crazy world is definitely a superhero!
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What a great insight. There are definitely two sides of the coin, and sometimes it’s a matter of picking the side. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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I also fear rejection; it made me into a people pleaser and led to situations where I took on more than I should have. I’m still working on that. It even made me question myself a ton lately when I found out I was second choice for a job I’ve been working diligently toward for years and that I only got the call after the first guy turned it down. It took me a few days to flip my perspective and realize that I shouldn’t be down on myself about that minor detail. I appreciate that style in your posts, too, in flipping what initially sounds negative to be a positive situation.
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It’s interesting, isn’t it? In some ways, that lights a fire under our butts and makes us NOT want to be second choice. In other ways, we could also see it as discouragement.
Then again, there’s so much soul-searching to do when it comes to not wanting to be a people-pleaser. First and foremost, I’ve found, is that I need to have confidence in myself first, which is hard. Anyway, love your thoughts as always, Sarah!
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You sound like a normal, well rounded human caring being. Who isn’t without self doubt. Lazy is good. If it weren’t for lazy we’d still be sending up smoke signals rather than using cellphones or even blogging for that matter.
Hang in there, Stuart. I don’t have kids, but I hear they really make you see yourself differently.
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Yeah, actually now that you put it that way, so many innovations have come from the lazy people. I could do with a bit more tenacity though. Or maybe I should accept my fate as someone who might innovate out of laziness :P
Always great to see you here, Kevin!
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Have you read ‘The courage to be disliked’ by Ichiro Kishimi?
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I haven’t, but now you have my interest piqued, lol. Will definitely check it out!
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“operating at a lower level than most people I know”, “groceries short-circuits my brain”, “hate to be hated”, “lazy as hell”, “wouldn’t be doing any of them if I weren’t lazy”, “doubt everything about myself”, “best responders to a crisis”
I’m (clearly) biased, but…have you ever been assessed for ADHD? These things sound awfully familiar.
Regardless, a good read! I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.
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I might have it, to be honest. But having overcome most of the ‘problems’ is only making me stronger. So in some ways, I guess it’s good that I have these challenges. I also think that our unique traits can be features and not bugs :P
I might have another level of achievements waiting for me if I choose to ‘be cured’ tho, I’ll never know.
You certainly gave me some food for thought!
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Talk about false negatives Stu! How do you always manage to turn what first sounds negative into something completely not?! I admire how your mind thinks. Which explains why I’m here every week waiting to learn from the maestro. But you know what? Maybe you are being a tad hard on yourself. You’re not lazy. Unless you call someone who still pushes out his blog post faithfully every Tue despite new life responsibilities now, lazy. In which case I’ll say you’re crazy! Haha…Keep up the great work as always pal cos you can juggle and hustle with the best of them. And folks like me need folks like you to keep spurring us on to our “greatness” too! Thanks!!
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Always appreciate your kind worlds, Kelvin! Now that I think about it, we’ve been going back and forth for years now, haven’t we? How time flies, even on the blogosphere. As usual, your words make for great encouragement, because even just maintaining a weekly schedule can be a tad demanding sometimes. Thanks for stopping by!
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