I wake up feeling negative every day. Not just because I force myself to wake up earlier than I want to, but also because life can feel like an unending rat race sometimes.
Maybe that’s why I do routines, mainly by working out and writing right after I wake up. Because then, no matter how my day goes, I’d at least have improved in my main priorities in life.
Yet I can’t shake the thought that I’m operating at a lower level than most people I know. Like, my friends don’t have problems standing up for themselves. They don’t have problems talking to strangers, or doing the groceries.
Me? Just the thought of having to do the groceries short-circuits my brain. Because the possibilities of things going wrong are endless.
That’s how I’ve come to develop an avoidant personality. And that’s why I always default to inaction. Because not doing something takes away the need to ‘calculate’.
But then there’s also the flip side of the coin: I’m this way because I’m destined for greatness.
A far stretch, you say? Well, allow me to make my case.
Anxiety in the tiniest things
I had a pretty normal childhood in a lower-middle-class family. That meant not having to worry about food or shelter, but also not having the latest Sega Mega Drive or Alien Workshop jeans.
You know another thing I didn’t have? Problems. And I have to say, that’s nurtured a rather sheltered view of the world.
So now, whenever it’s time to make a call say, to complain about a leaky roof, I totally freeze up. Ditto voicing out in meetings. All these trivial things scare the shit out of me.
Cancelling appointments scares me. Taking a new spin class scares me. Heck, I even dread seeing my neighbour in the distance, because saying hi to them scares me.
But what if this fear is my mind’s way of making sure I perform at my fullest potential? What if it was just me physiologically summoning the energy required?
Maybe, through this jolt of adrenaline, I can sound clearer, articulate myself better, and even think clearer.
Or what if this was an indicator of what needs to be worked on in my life? What if this fear is a map that we’re all looking for in life that was right under our noses all this time?
What I’ve learned: For me, the biggest bulk of my social anxiety comes from a fear of rejection. I hate to be hated. And that probably goes back to my life being all hunky dory as a child.
And I’ve since accepted that being rejected or looking stupid is simply the price of admission to personal growth. If I want to get on the ride called Life, I can’t not pay the entry fee.
So maybe I get spooked much easier than the average person. But maybe I’m built to always be at my best when it matters.
I’m lazy as hell
Anthony Bourdain said it best when he said “I understand there’s a guy inside me who wants to lay in bed, smoke weed all day, and watch cartoons and old movies. My whole life is a series of stratagems to avoid, and outwit, that guy.”
And I’m not quoting him from the hustle angle either. It’s not that I want to work myself into the ground. It’s that I have so many lazy pursuits I’d rather fall back on—like watching TV, sleeping, and playing video games—that I’d never, ever be productive if I had things my way.
So yeah, this isn’t self-flagellation. It’s overcoming the perpetual desire for inertia. In fact, I’ve never been particularly ambitious. “Money’s not important,” I used to say. “It’s all about happiness.”
But then I realised that I was just a lazy bum who didn’t care about anything or anyone else. I could live off ramen and discount produce if I’m honest. The lower the expenses, the less I have to work, right?
Now that I’m thinking of starting a family, I’m learning just how lazy of a person I’ve been. Today I have so much to think about. There are the medical fees. Education. Food. Equipment.
So how can I spin this for the better? Is there even a path to greatness through laziness?
What I’ve learned: Well, the biggest blessing that sloth has bestowed upon me is the systems that have materialised out of my disdain for work.
I now make micro-goals when feeling particularly apathetic. I have routines in place so that I don’t overtax my brain with decisions. I find more efficient ways of doing things like prepping my food for the week.
There are so many productive tasks that have been born out of my laziness, and while I may seem productive to you on paper, just know that I wouldn’t be doing any of them if I weren’t lazy.
I doubt everything about myself
For the longest time ever, I’ve always doubted my ability to achieve my dreams. Only in the past couple of years have I begun working on my self-respect, mostly by doing the things I said I’d do.
The doubt always lingers though. Just last week, when hanging out with younger journalists from other media outlets, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling inferior to the twenty-something-year-olds who were more well-versed with the influencer market and digital platforms.
What can I say? It’s hard to break a lifetime of negative programming. I feel like I’ll never be enough. Heck, I even feel inferior when browsing the WordPress Reader and coming across new bloggers who write way better than me.
But you’ve probably seen this coming. I’m going to turn this self-doubt into a positive. And you know how.
What I’ve learned: I need to feel inferior in order to be better. The moment I think I’m the greatest at something is when I start to ease my foot off the pedal. And that will hurt me more than any doubt ever will.
I’ve reached a funky phase in my writing career. I’ve started to lose interest in writing because every blank page feels like work now. It doesn’t matter if it’s a feature for the magazine or a quick listicle for the blog.
Sitting down to write feels exactly like running my first kilometre in the morning: painful even though it’s necessary.
Yet, the thing that’ll keep me returning to the blank page or the gym is knowing that my spot as a writer, editor, or even publisher in the future, can be easily snatched by those who work harder than me.
And self-doubt is a reliable fuel to make sure I never rest on my laurels. It’s almost like an inexhaustible resource if you think about it.
I hope you’re negative
Because that just means you’re human. I also hope that this perspective will paint your pain in a different light.
They say that the socially-anxious people are the best responders to a crisis. This is because they’re so highly strung all the time that when shit hits the fan, they could approach the problem like it’s just another Tuesday.
So maybe that’s why I wrote this post. To convince you that no matter your battle, there’s always something good to get out of it.
And if you still don’t see a point to any of this, then maybe that’s your call to greatness. The freedom to do anything thanks to your indifference.
Either way, you’re basically a superhero.
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Stuart Danker 
I’d love to hear your thoughts!