If you’re reading this, you’re probably sober, and you’re looking for a reason not to drink. Thankfully I’m writing to you now from beyond the land of the tipsy to address exactly that.
But since drunk you and sober you might as well be two totally different people, I’m going to assume that you don’t share my current viewpoints, and will thus strive to be crystal clear, especially for someone in your state. Together, I hope that we can nip your next craving in the Bud (hehe, get it?).
Yeah, I turn into a goldmine of crap (crapmine?) when I’m drunk. Oh, don’t act all surprised. You talk a pretty game after a few drinks, things that you’ll never be able to follow up on.
So I thought I’d remind you about that. Turn into drunk Stu and you’ll end up being full of shit.
You don’t need it
You’re not an alcoholic. We both know you’re not. But you clearing a six pack every day, for months at a time, has gotten me a little concerned, if not for our health, then at least for the sake of our wallet.
Right now, you’re probably feeling tired, or uninspired, and you think that one drink is going to give you some pep, reel back the enthusiasm into your world.
But guess what. It might feel good for about ten minutes, and then it’ll be hours of shitty energy levels after, plus a whole bucketload of regret to boot. You know this. You’ve done this hundreds of times.
Really, you don’t need it
I know, I know. You have a million different reasons to drink. And they may seem like solid justifications when you’re sober, but as the drunk version of you, I can safely say that it’s not worth it.
Like, why did you even want to drink today? Because you were feeling a little bored? What kind of stupid reason was that? I’m feeling like shit now, so please listen to me, sober Stu. It never pans out the way you think it will.
Oh, and that boring gathering you have to attend, or that work event consisting of ninety percent strangers? Yeah, you can totally do those sober too. I admit it sounds rather blasphemous (even to me), but you’ve done it before. You can do it again.
Remember the hangovers
I know you’ll probably feel refreshed by the time your next craving hits, and the dread of waking up with alcohol in your system might be a thing of the past, but try to keep the cold sweats and headaches in mind.
Try to remember the restless sleep, and how the world spins around you when you hit the sack. You tend to break your promises twice every time you drink. One that you’ll stick to your limit, and the second when you’ve drank too much and promise never to do it again.
Why not avoid the pain altogether? I mean, it’s not like it’s your bachelor’s night or anything. You always drink alone anyway, and you like it that way.
Social drinking, or not
That’s the other thing I should remind you of. How long has it been since you’d drank with somebody else? Isn’t lone drinking a sign of alcoholism? Nah, your intake level is lower than some people you know.
Besides, you never drink in the mornings, so that makes you a pretty normal person right? What’s that term, functional alcoholic? But you do know that everyone’s a functional alcoholic until they’re not, right?
Maybe you drink alone because it’s become a chore to keep up the charades of being a normal drinker, of showing up half wasted so that it takes you just a couple more to get you where you want to be.
How would your friends look at you if they learned that you needed to down your first three pints in under ten minutes to just get your buzz started? Do you even enjoy that? Think about it.
You even know which sweets best mask the smell of alcohol (Listerine breath strips), and you carry hand sanitiser so that you have an excuse for that scent wafting off your skin. If that doesn’t reek (ha) guilt, then I don’t know what does.
Losing your self-worth
You know what’s the worst part about it all? It’s not the health risks, the regret, or even the hangovers. It’s your self-confidence taking a dive.
You can’t stand to look at yourself, because you always go to bed disappointed. If you can’t control this little impulse, what makes you think you’re worthy of all the better things in life? That’s what goes on in your mind before you sleep every night.
Look at you now though. At least you have a reason for drinking today—this blog post. Or maybe that’s a reason I’m just making up. Maybe if you wrote something, you wouldn’t feel like you’ve wasted yet another night piece of your liver tonight, huh?
But you do waste your time getting wasted, and just because you’re not like the uncles in the coffeeshops who drink beers for breakfast doesn’t mean you don’t share their taste for beers with the highest alcohol content at the cheapest prices.
And let’s talk timing, too. I hope you’re not thinking of drinking somewhere inappropriate, like that time you went to your friend’s baby shower, or that night your colleagues got together for badminton.
Maybe you have a problem
Maybe that’s where I’m getting at. Maybe sleep is a reset button, and when tomorrow night comes along, you’ll be visiting the supermarket for your next six-pack, trying to avoid the cashier that you paid at yesterday.
But until you remember what it is to feel like after you have a go at this ‘pleasure’, you’ll probably keep doing it until the day you can’t.
So here’s my message to you. The solutions you thought you’d find at the bottom of the bottle does not exist. I can say this because I’m staring right at it. In fact, it’ll only make your problems worse.
You’re going to need to face whatever it is that’s driving you to drink, sober Stu, and stop running away from those feelings. Of course, that’s going to be a tall order for tomorrow, since you’ll be paying for what you did an hour earlier.
If you ask me though, I’d say that you don’t have a problem. Not yet. But we both know that I’m full of shit.
And perhaps you are too.