Dear Stuart,

If you’re reading this, you’re probably sober, and you’re looking for a reason not to drink. Thankfully I’m writing to you now from beyond the land of the tipsy to address exactly that.

But since drunk you and sober you might as well be two totally different people, I’m going to assume that you don’t share my current viewpoints, and will thus strive to be crystal clear, especially for someone in your state. Together, I hope that we can nip your next craving in the Bud (hehe, get it?).

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