The Social Skills I’ve Picked Up As A Socially Awkward Person

/ Stuart Danker

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First off, let me start by saying that I haven’t been socialising on WordPress at all. So if I’ve yet to reply to your comment, I’m super sorry. I’ll get around to that, I promise.

It’s just that life has thrown me a new challenge to overcome, and that’s meeting ten to twenty new people a week, not just in a touch-and-go capacity, but to actually hold a conversation for minutes. Minutes!

Of course, as a self-proclaimed introvert, I might as well crawl over broken glass, or worse, have a smudge on my spectacles that I can’t clean for the entire day.

But I knew what I’d signed up for when I accepted the role of deputy editor for a lifestyle magazine. Going to events was part of the deal. We have to represent our magazine, after all.

Which is why for today, I’m going to list the things I’ve learned by stumbling through the foreign art (at least to me) that is socialising.

1. You just need to say hello to make a new friend

I don’t have the gift of the gab, and that’s the reason why I prefer writing. So it’s safe to say that for me, small talk usually becomes no talk in no time.

That’s why I’d sometimes give up and just introduce myself by name before finding something else to do, like filling up my drink or getting some video footage of random b-rolls.

But you know what the funny thing is? In the next event, provided you’re both surrounded by strangers, this new acquaintance automatically becomes your friend!

Because as it turns out, other people enjoy seeing familiar faces too. Who would’ve known?

It’s just like advertising, isn’t it? Because when it comes to making choices in the grocery store, customers are apt to pick brands they’ve heard of over ones they haven’t.

So as long as you don’t straight up commit social crimes, you’ll pretty much end up friends with whoever you’ve had a conversation with, no matter how banal.

That helps me get over the need to have a perfect first impression.

2. It’s only weird if you think it is

I can’t approach random strangers at an event. And I’ll never understand how to insert myself into groups without feeling like a sleazeball trying to score a sales deal.

But just because I can’t do it doesn’t mean other people aren’t chatting strangers up with relative grace. Because get this: they don’t think it’s weird to be social in a social gathering. It’s just me who’s making mountains out of molehills.

If I had to make a writerly comparison, I’d say this line of thinking is easily compared to writer’s block. Meaning it’s all in your head.

After continuous exposure to extroverts who work entire rooms without a problem, I’ve learned that people actually welcome random chats during events. It gives them something to do. And by asking someone about their work, or the weather, you’re actually doing them a service.

So if you’re a professional awkwardist like me, try flipping the script and seeing yourself as the saviour of the bored. It does help.

3. Social media is a great way to network

Or maybe I’ve just been hanging around with too many Gen Zs.

A great way to connect with others—especially if you’re terrible with small talk—is by taking photos or videos of someone in a non-creepy way.

For instance, if I were at a CPR training course, I’d record a fellow attendee learning the ropes on a dummy. Then I’d ask them for their handle so I can tag them in my Insta stories.

Or you could just straight up ask them for their accounts. Most people are liberal with their social media contacts because it makes them feel important. Plus, it’s less of a commitment than giving out their phone number.

Anyhoo, here’s a quick plug for my own Instagram account. There, you’ll get to watch me suffer at social events, even though I try my best to look the most glamorous I can.

4. You have to feel comfortable in your own skin… and clothes

Unless the invitation states ‘formal wear’, I always attend all gatherings in a black tee and pants. This is because I like remembering that I’m a nobody, and if I am to network with others, I better rely on my quick wit and charming smile.

Unfortunately, I don’t have a quick wit or a smile that can move mountains.

Which is why the basic outfit helps me try harder. It’s my own sadistic way of burning the boats, so it’s either sink or swim for me.

I’ve tried wearing blazers and button-up shirts to everyday events, but they make me feel uncomfortable. And I can’t focus on socialising if I’m too busy worrying if the back of my shirt is properly tucked into my pants.

So stay true to who you are. Be the best version of yourself, yes. But don’t try to fit into fashion requirements that don’t complement your personality.

5. Socialising can be fun

I know, right? What kind of blasphemy is this? How can I, a true-blue introvert, say something like this?

But that’s exactly the point. If I, a social caterpillar, can find moments of joy in social events, then you too can do the same. Especially if you’ve been meaning to improve your own social skills but are afraid to do so.

The time will come when you’ll realise how much you’ve grown. For instance, when a room full of strangers no longer bothers you as much. Or when you’ve learned to be okay with fumbling a conversation.

That’s when you’ll feel like you can take on other challenges in life. Because if you can grow in one area, you can do the same in others.

Yes, socialising can be downright intimidating. And you will screw up an interaction or two. But I’ve learned that the bad experiences are the price of admission. There’s no other way to get on the ride of social growth without buying the ticket of unending failures.

I personally started on this journey half a year ago as a socially awkward person. Today? I’m a slightly less socially awkward person.

Sure, that may not be much by normal standards, but for me, I might as well be Jordan Belfort himself.

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36 thoughts on “The Social Skills I’ve Picked Up As A Socially Awkward Person”

  1. I typically feel out of place in a group…so I’ll gravitate toward someone I know even a little, or I’ll find someone else who looks uncomfortable/out of place and try to help them feel better. Amazingly enough, it helps me too!

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  2. I can certainly relate to this Stuart. I grew up shy and introverted. I still can’t handle crowds of strangers very well and if I do find myself in such a crowd I don’t go out of my way to socialize with anyone. If someone approaches me that’s fine, I can handle that.

    What helped me was working at a job where I had to face a different group of people4 days a week. It was really tough at first but I grew to love it and made alot of friends in the process. I really loved that job.

    Since Covid we’ve become very reclusive and really only socialize with family. You’ll get more comfortable with the crowds the more you do it. It seems like you have a good handle on how the whole socializing thing works. I never would have thought you were socially awkward. Enjoy your next function!

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  3. Knowing that people always love talking about themselves, I feel ok getting a conversation started, but when it starts to falter and I can’t think of anything else to say or ask, that’s when it’s super hard. I have a difficult time extricating myself gracefully from an awkward conversation. Eww. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about being in those situations.

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  4. I can relate to your experience as an introvert in social situations. Your insights about saying hello to make new friends and realizing that socializing is only weird if we think it is are spot-on. Using social media for networking is a clever idea, and staying true to ourselves in terms of clothing is important.

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    • Weirdly enough, I don’t feel as apprehensive speaking on stage compared to making small talk with strangers. I’ve been blessed with the opportunity to do a lot of public speaking, but boy does a room full of strangers still give me the sweats, lol. Thanks for your tip!

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      • The interesting thing about it is not so much public speak as it focuses speaking on your feet. They throw a blind topic at you and you then speak about it or with another.

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  7. Oh please Stu! There’s nothing awkward about you. I don’t understand your need to be so self-deprecating. You’re fine just as you are. But still, it’s great that you nevertheless feel you’ve room to learn and grow cos I think that shows maturity and a willingness to improve. All good traits to see you own the next function and socializing space you find yourself in. Meantime belated belated congrats on your Deputy Editor job. It does explain your ‘absence’ on my blog hahaha…no worries. All good. Am just really happy for you and hope you are too in this new season of your career. Cheers mate! And remember to hit me up next time you’re across the Causeway ok? Thanks.

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  8. My experience is that people go one of two ways when they feel socially awkward. We either withdraw more and do not take any risks (Pete in high school), or we realize that many other people feel the same way we do and overcome that feeling by jumping into the fray (Pete now). Having tried both, I like Pete 1.2 far more.

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    • That’s a nice perspective. I myself like to think that being awkward only adds to the charm. And the worse I screw up, the more memorable I become, so it’s a win-win regardless, lol.

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  9. I used to be such a socially awkward introvert. Don’t get me wrong; I’m still plenty awkward, but I’ve decided I’m more of an extroverted introvert or introverted extrovert or something like that: I actually do love being around people most of the time, but large parties or events where I don’t know anybody still throw me off. And the first day of school still makes me nervous even though I’m the teacher 😅 I’ve found that people do love talking about themselves, so you can always ask them a question if you’re not up for socializing or if you’re not sure what to say. I’m a peacemaker, too, so I’ll try to pair up people in conversation if I know they have something in common. And if I spot an introvert hanging out at the edge of a group and looking nervous, I’ll include them in the conversation in a casual way; hopefully someone will do the same for me at the next large event. 😁

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  10. I have started being socially awkward since Covid. It’s like I’ve forgotten how to be human. I’m an extrovert who has now become reclusive. Nice Insta Stuart. Congratulations on the award. Kept that one quiet. 😉

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    • That’s what a lot of people have told me. So weird. It’s almost like it’s a literal muscle that withers without use. Makes me want to ‘train’ my social skills more! And yeah, lotsa things on the quiet, but might announce them soon :P

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  12. I learned to be awkward when I immigrated to the States, it’s a new skill that I don’t want to keep but it stuck with me. Whenever I leave the country I turn into my real self, comfortable in my own skin, unafraid to say or do something that is not PC. I mean certain environments are more toxic than others, but overall cultural expectations rule to make you feel like a fish out of water for no good reason. So my conclusion is, it’s not your fault, it’s never your fault but rather the time and the place.

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    • That’s such an interesting perspective. I believe I operate in this fashion too, mostly because I’m afraid to hurt anyone.

      But I’m also learning that I can’t please everybody. And I never set out to hurt others, so I shouldn’t worry about the occasional botched interaction.

      Loved your perspective!

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      • Sometimes no matter what you do, someone will get offended, Why are you such a good writer? Why are you so happy? Why is it so easy for you? Really, people are weird like that but you do you, Stuart

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  13. Oh golly….#4…all day, every day…of my life. I’ve foregone the stuff that’s not comfy and my “uniform” may be boring to some, but I like it. Mostly black (everything) with denim mixed in. Cheers to you for seeing the connection between clothing, comfort and being yourself. 😎

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  15. Hi Stuart!

    Kinda had a feeling that you are occupied with interesting things in life. So glad you did! Do take your time to reply, okay? No biggie.

    Just wanted to share..
    I used to be a socially awkward person too + someone who didn’t have common sense. I’m so glad I work at a retail company that leaves me with no choice but to socialize with people. From someone who is so anxious around strangers to someone anticipating small conversations even if the only thing the customers ask is, “Where is the cashier counter?”.

    I’ve grown. I’ve come so far. Thanks to God and supportive people He sent along the way.

    I hope we can become comfortable with and without people 😊

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    • Retail gang unite! I used to work in Topshop before it closed down. Was also a hairdresser, and that forced me to interact with others. I would’ve been so much worse had I not had those experiences.

      And yes, growth is always good, so we should strive to be great with or without people.

      Thanks as always for stopping by!

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  16. I feel you about the room full of strangers anxiety. I also relate to the “failure as the price of admission” concept. What’s helped me a lot is not telling myself I’m not awkward but deciding it’s not the end of the world if I am awkward.
    Also, I followed you on Instagram from this post. Thanks!

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    • Acceptance is awesome! I too have accepted the fact that I’ll never be a great orator on the fly, but perhaps my awkwardness can add an extra charm to my daily interactions. Who knows? Lol. Wow great to connect with you on Insta!

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  17. Once again, I’ll repeat that the social interactions I know I have learned to emulate, rather than they coming to me naturally. Surprisingly, reading novels was a big help, since all the emotions and physical reactions are described there.

    Which is why I actually learned to lift my one eyebrow. This could be a whole blog post, come to think of it.

    Thanks for reminding me of my own struggles of social interactions, Stuart.

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    • I’m quite surprised that novels were a big help to you too. That’s one place I never thought to look. But yes, emulating social interaction is great. Just need to find the proper mentors to model from. I guess we all need mentors in different pursuits. Thanks as always, Tanish!

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  18. I feel everything you said here. Why?! Cuz I’m a ‘social caterpillar’ as you are😂 Everything about socializing just feels weird, from thinking about starting a conversation in your head to fumbling in reality. Truth is, if convos could only go well as the way we imagined in our heads, then I think the world would be a safer haven for introverts.

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    • Lol I guess that’s where the ‘admission fee’ perspective comes in. Maybe all we need to do is pay the fee by failing, and a world of feeling normal awaits us. But till then, I’ll keep you posted!

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  19. We have a problem in the US, don’t know how often you’ve been here to see it. Basically, when we first get to know each other in a conversation, the people will say — either one — that we should hang out sometime. When you have time, you give them a call or go to their Facebook, and they will not answer you. They fade away. That’s why I don’t like smiling or waving to people. Many people have tried to get me to interact, and that I’m doing great when I do. Nope. Later, I have to say, I’m not interested in having a relationship with you. The person will then hate you for life.

    Like a rat in a box with 13-year-old boys, I used to be terrorized by peers and was afraid of them, as they had rights, and I didn’t. After being completely isolated in real life, I’m doing better than I was. Yes, i have one friend in the real world. We live together in the group home, not in an apartment like I was. People were harassing me, and the higher classes come for us at night like Jeris Johnson advertises. I couldn’t get any sleep and scared and alone.

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