Love Lessons I’ve Learned From Being An Asshole

/ Stuart Danker

A couple sitting on the uppermost floor of apartments with bottle of whiskey between them, overlooking night cityscape

”It’s just puppy love.”

That’s what my mum said when I was all but 14 years old and going through my first heartbreak. “Don’t worry. You’ll know real love soon enough,” she said.

Then you don’t know love, I thought. I was hurting so bad that it had to be real love. My parents just forgot how it was to be a teen. That’s how I justified it.

But as it’d turn out, she was right. I would finally meet my soulmate and we’d be together for more than a decade. And only now I’m learning what true love is. Danged adults and their wisdom.

1. Lust is a terrible gauge of love

Lust was the only reference I had as a teenager to whether or not I loved somebody. It’s also a terrible foundation to build a relationship on. But you probably already know that. Teenage me didn’t.

Teenage me just wanted the hottest girl I could get. If I had a checklist to base my requirements off on, it’d have two conditions:

  • Be a hot girl
  • Don’t be an unhot girl.

Of course, fuelled only by testosterone and neediness, that only meant my relationships lasted as long as I could hide my insecurities. And on the rare occasions that I’d find someone who’d treat me well, I’d totally take them for granted.

I never did grow out of this phase until I went through a rough patch of unfortunate relationships (oh, we’ll get to this in a bit). It took me a while, but I’d finally learn how thinking with my other head wasn’t really the best way to go about finding a partner.

2. You’ve got to commit

Like I said, I was an ass for most of my dating life. If I’m being honest, I always went into relationships ready to date someone better if they came along.

Plus, if you spend enough time with somebody, you’ll eventually find a flaw that’ll make them much less attractive than the person you started dating.

Maybe they like to leave their dirty socks on the floor. Maybe they have a weird laugh. Or maybe they just have an unhealthy obsession with goat sacrifice rituals.

It’s only after meeting my future wife that I learned what it meant to commit. Don’t ask me how I came to that conclusion. I just woke up one day realising what it meant to be a good partner. And part of that involves being there no matter what.

So maybe I’ll need to pick up after her. That’s a small issue. Maybe I’ll need to ignore the weird laughs. No problem. Or maybe they’ve drawn a pentagram on the floor again. Nothing a little bleach won’t fix.

When I was younger, breaking up was always the first choice whenever I’d reach a friction point with my partner. Now I’ve learned to either be an adult and talk about our problems, or deal with them.

Because if I can’t even handle trivial things like stray clothes, how can I weather the real relationship problems?

3. You also need the right partner

I’ve stayed in so many relationships purely out of lust. Needless to say, these were not exactly prime candidates to commit to.

I had one particularly weird relationship where my partner would regularly invite her ex over to our house. Let me tell you that it’s no fun seeing them together when all you want to do is go home and watch TV.

And right now, you could either be thinking that my ex was a shitty partner, or that I just wasn’t open-minded enough. Either way, you’d be right.

Because what’s important to remember is that we’re all different. And we all deserve to be loved the way we want to.

Me? I’m a simple man. I just don’t want any surprises after a long day of work. More particularly, I don’t want to entertain my partner’s exes in our own home.

It’s hard to know what you want in love when you don’t have enough good ones to gauge your relationships off of. Thankfully, I’d also have some pretty cool exes who’d teach me what it means to be in a healthy partnership.

4. You can’t control your feelings

I’m glad I dabbled with meditation, because it’s through this practice that I realised how little control we have over our thoughts.

Don’t believe me? Try sitting down and doing nothing. Notice your thoughts. See how many of them actually belong to you, and how many seem to come from another being entirely. Put a loudspeaker in my brain and you’ll probably think I’m the spawn of Satan himself.

That’s how feelings work too. I can’t help feeling a slight pang for a colleague who has a great posture and knows what she wants in life. And I’ll be honest by saying that I think about sexy time more often than I should.

But these feelings come and go. I don’t need to act upon them. More importantly, they don’t define me.

It also works the other way around. Just because I find myself annoyed by blood rituals doesn’t mean I’m going to hate my partner forever. It’s just a trough in the day’s emotions. Nothing is ever permanent, because another unrelated thought is going to arrive in a minute, and I’ll forget my annoyance ever existed.

And that’s a pretty important thing to be aware of, in my opinion.

5. You don’t need to win

I used to be a champion arguer. For some reason, I always had to be the winner. Winner of what? I don’t know. Assholery, probably. And a whole lot of resentment.

But I’ve since learned how pointless it is to win in a relationship. Like, my wife would accuse me of not doing the laundry, and the first thing that comes to mind would be: Who’s leaving the clothes on the floor in the first place?

Instead, what I do now is look within. Perhaps I do ignore the laundry. Maybe I could pick up the slack a little. And even if it was a baseless accusation, it wouldn’t hurt to keep my mouth shut. In five minutes, my annoyance will fade, and I’ll be entertaining an entirely irrelevant intrusive thought.

Contrast that with me ‘winning’, then sleeping on the couch for days. Yeah I’ll take the happy relationship, thank you.

I’m still learning

Perhaps my biggest lesson of all is that my mum was probably doing a lot of learning on her own when she commented on my puppy love. After all, love lessons are best learned on your own.

What I can say is this, though: if your partner is the type to play with goat’s blood, then you’ve probably found the one.

What about you? What lessons have you learned about love?

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50 thoughts on “Love Lessons I’ve Learned From Being An Asshole”

  2. HI Stuart, Yes we are all work in progress. Being committed to a person means you gotta be there no matter what. It is great that you have found your partner in life. Love can be conditional in that you gotta put your heart and thoughts in whom you have professed your love with.It is a blessing if you are with someone who is easy to love and shares similar values with you. We gotta know who we are before we commit to another person. I think sometimes it is more to do with being in love with ‘love’ rather than knowing what love means. Thanks for another insightful post:)

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    • Oh yeah. I never knew how important it was to have someone share the same vision as you until I had a couple relationships where we were the total opposite. Always great to look at things from different perspectives. Also, always love you stopping by!

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  3. I’m still a teenager so I’m still navigating the waters of love. Something I’m actively working on is letting myself be in love and likewise allowing another person to love me. I’m learning that love is about being on the same side and that’s okay to need my partner.

    I’m also developing my communication skills because good communication is a key part of a healthy relationship.

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    • That’s so awesome that you’re so self aware at this phase of your life! You definitely have so much more margin for error, and no matter what, I wish you a great lifetime of learning to love and be love. Thanks for dropping by!

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  4. Beautiful story. I agree with The Travel Architect; I don’t think you were an asshole. Most of us also went through the early learning stage of relationships. And change is constant in all areas of life. Life generally is a learning in progress. Thanks for sharing.

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  6. I don’t think you were an asshole. You were just going through the early learning stages of relationships (not that there’s an end point in the learning – there’s not). A couple of lessons I’ve learned: pick your battles, think before you speak, and don’t expect your partner to remain the same over the years (expect change and growth and be supportive of the change and growth).

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    • Oh yeah, that’s something I need to remind myself of too. I’ve definitely gone through many phases since meeting Len, so more change is definitely on the horizon for both of us, and it’s important to accept that we all change. That’s a great point!

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  7. Sounds like you’ve mastered the underpinnings of love and moved from puppy love which by the way is pretty fun, to true love which can be pretty mundane at times.. TBH!
    Wait, you’re Not saying Len is NOT hot right. Surely you must have meant and now I have a hot mature woman who gets me. I’ve got you covered Len (wink, wink).

    Sleeping on the couch is no fun.. I still like to win the argument and I’m a full fledged adult with years but it gets us nowhere. I still want to record these things.. at this age no one remembers what they actually said or didn’t say.
    Now that my stepfather is dead, my mother fights with the gardener.
    I DON’T want that so most days I just claim my hubby has dementia ….selective hearing and give him a pass…. 😂

    Sending this off to my son who lives for the next hot girl …. talk about trouble.. lol
    Thanks Stu.. it’s always a pleasure.
    ❤️❤️

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    • Haha yes, I meant exactly that about Len :P

      It’s been ages since my last couple argument, and I’ve realised how important it is to have a partner that shares the same values, because then it’s so much easier to talk about things and nip them in the bud rather than wait to explode.

      And the fact that you sending this piece to your son means so much to me!

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  8. I finally…actually read your post…this one.

    All I can say is that,
    Personally, I avoided all these…like, going in and out of relationships because of not having found the right partner.

    It seems to me, like…playing around, or just getting hurt countless times.

    I even had the thought, like…let’s just pray to God for answers about his person. If the answer is right, then…it is okay, because God knows more…knows better.

    In another situation, just…me, not wanting to go through all that…and I would rather just ‘get to the right person’.
    I thought that would help when I went into Psychology.
    I didn’t study psychology for a job or a career, but rather for the skill or personal interest.

    Ya know, like, knowing if people were lying to you or manipulating you or something like that.

    From time to time, I do pray for ‘the partner’.

    Well, I am gonna say this…
    …that, YOU HAVE MY BLESSINGS,
    I MEAN, YOUR RELATIONSHIP.
    YOU HAVE MY BLESSING AND MY SUPPORT.

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    • That’s the exact thing though, I feel. I think that going through those bad relationships made me a better person for the right partner. If I hadn’t gone through all the pain (that we typically avoid), I’d still be an idiot in relationships, even with all the good points of my current partner. So maybe pain is the way to go? I have no idea, am still trying to figure it out, lol. Thanks for your lovely thoughts!

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  9. Hey Stu! The title alone tells me you’re being too hard on yourself. And honestly, love is one of the most challenging things on this planet! But also the most rewarding. The fact that you’re now more mature and committed shows you’re more than ready so keep on keeping on bro! One thing I know about relationships is that you can only change yourself, not the other person. So focus on making yourself someone worthy of another’s love and affection. That’s the ticket; not the only one, but an important one to bear in mind when the “relationship speed bumps” come (and they will)! You’ve got this!

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    • That’s so true. I used to always want my partner to behave exactly how I wanted. And as an insecure young man, I often wanted unrealistic things. So glad I learned that I shouldn’t dictate how others live their life, else I’d be single and unwanted right now, lol. Always appreciate you stopping by, Kelvin!

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  10. The blame game is such a red flag in a relationship. A lot of couples fail to understand this and are always competing to win the argument instead of focusing on the REAL problem at hand. A couple needs to work together to be together on the relationship. It cannot be one person holding the relationship together. It’s a two people job.

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  12. Ha ha. “Don’t be an unhot girl” made me chuckle. You’ve learned some very wise lessons, Stuart.

    This brings to mind a guest post I wrote for another blog called “Seasons of love”. It was all about how love changes throughout your lifetime. My 29th wedding anniversary is coming up in a couple of weeks. YIKES! Our relationship is different now than it was in the beginning so I suppose I’ve learned a lesson or two over the years myself.

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    • Congrats on such a long relationship! And I’m sure it’s evolved through all that time. Knowing someone at a surface level is definitely different from knowing their EVERY traits and quirks. Love this, Michelle!

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  13. Love your post. I think one can see a lot through an argument, which can be a beautiful form of communication. And people can learn a lot from an argument and grow a much better relationship through negotiation. I guess if you and your partner are both writers, it can be a very interesting communication game there. As your fan, I would love to read your writing about an argument of yours. I mean if you are willing to share…

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    • Thanks so much for this suggestion! I might actually do so.

      My current partner is anything but a writer. So we do have different ways of expressing ourselves. Thankfully, we complement each other well. Arguing with another writer might be a tad tedious though, I think :P

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  14. We have thought crimes now, too. I’ve wondered why they found mine so fascinating. They’ll injure your brain to “free” you. The same group will come back later, forgetting their deed, and do it anyway. I’ve edited my thoughts for years, denied natural feelings. While they’re saving us, they also make us extremely stupid and then try to make us do tasks. They make it a punishment. I like how they sang that one song while I wasn’t working after it was they who injured me. It was riddled down to my sexual evilness. Love the domination constantly.

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  15. Love. Oh heck, it’s a complicated emotion. It can bring immense joy and great anxiety. It’s feelings and experiences.
    It’s about putting the other person first. It’s about putting the other person first.

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  16. My parents celebrated their 50th anniversary last month. My Mom can alone complain about my Dad and she does to me often. Let me complain a word about him to her she gets so angry and defensive. I say that is love 😊!

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    • Lol, if that’s not true love, then I don’t know what is :P

      Sometimes we forget to give credit to the previous generation for finding ways to make things work based on their era. Thanks for sharing this!

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  17. Ahh Stuart, what I can say is that, and in the nicest way possible, old you sounds an awful lot like my poly ex, and guess who missed me and reached out (and despite trying that old “I’m doing fine too without you” stunt) once I’d moved on? He needed to lose me to realise what an asshole he was being. He’s now divorced and in therapy. Tragic? Yes, but I hope he finds some truths just as you did.

    What I’ve learned in love is that really nobody is perfect, forgiving (but not forgetting) is key and also it takes a lot more than liking someone for you to have a relationship with them. A relationship with no investment is a friendship, if you want it to work, you have to make it work. Respect too, for yourself and one another, and if they can’t respect you, having the self-respect to walk away.

    Fortunately I’ve never had to deal with any goat sacrifices, but I do have to endure every World Cup, Eufa game (and qualifying match), the Premier league, American football…

    As long as I get my snuggles though, I’m cool 😉

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    • Now that’s a name I haven’t seen in a while! Great to have you back! So sorry to remind you of bad exes though :P

      And agreed about the making it work bit. I’ve learned how little attraction matters in a real relationship too. Yes, attraction matters, but if it’s the only thing driving the relationship, then it’s doomed to fail.

      Thanks again for stopping by!

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  18. Love lessons… I don’t even know where to start… I love your insights and humor, puppy love is a perfect description of so many relationships I see in middle school and outside of it. As a teen, I was too shy and too wild at the same time. I mean if I was comfortable with you, you would know the wild side while most people only knew the church mouse of me. When I fell in love with someone, I would always let them know, no fear, no filters. This is an accurate description still. What have I learned? Not much, I am hungry and stupid on the inside, shy and boring on the outside. It has always worked well for me.

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    • What’s most important is that you know who you are, because that helps you so much more than trying to be someone you’re not. Having to learn more about a shy partner who slowly opens up is a lovely experience in itself. Thanks for sharing!

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  19. Hello Stuart! I thoroughly enjoyed reading your heartfelt and relatable reflections on love. Your journey of discovering what true love means is both insightful and inspiring. It’s incredible how our perspectives evolve as we gain more experience and encounter meaningful connections. Thank you for sharing these valuable lessons with such honesty and humor. Keep embracing the learning process, and may your future be filled with love that surpasses all expectations!

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  20. The fervor of true love is not to be mistaken for the mere fluttering of the heart, as it goes far beyond the physical realm. True love becomes the palpable feelings of the heart which binds souls together, as closely woven as the petals in a peony’s embrace. It is the whispers of a thousand winds telling tales of unity; it is the laughter of the stars above, cascading in melodies only the heart understands.

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  21. I’ve learned, finally, how to listen without judgment. I THOUGHT I was being a good listener for years, but what I was really doing, especially in a contentious relationship discussion, is waiting for my turn to argue my point. Now, I’ve begun to really see and hear my partner as he talks about his feelings without viewing how he’s feeling as a reflection of my shortcomings. It’s hard to do at times, and I keep practicing, but I know him so much better for it. It’s worth the effort.

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    • It’s so amazing to read about how different people deal with their relationships. And it’s so great that you’re self-aware enough to recognise this. Thanks so much for sharing how you do it, April!

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  23. Lovely post, Stuart. I’ve learned that we’re all bozos on this bus, so we need to embrace each other’s quirks because we’re ultimately headed in the same direction on the same bus for a good long time. And when I argue with my partner, I try to remind myself — as I’m arguing — that I love this person. It makes my delivery — and my argument — far more kind and reasonable.

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    • Oh yes. It can be so hard to remember why we’re with somebody when we’re all affected by emotions, or focusing on their bad traits. I’m thankful that I don’t argue much anymore, but always reminding myself why I’m with my partner is always a great thing to do!

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