The Ultimate(est) 5-Step Guide To Writing A Killer Blog Post

/ Stuart Danker
Kid standing at the base of a high stairway

Photo: Jukan Tateisi

You’re reading this, so that means you’re most likely on WordPress. And if that’s the case, then you’re probably spending too much time reading other people’s posts instead of writing your own.

Wow, you might think, this guy has such an astute observation!

Elementary, my dear Watson. Most people are already born procrastinators, what more those who choose words as their form of expression.

Because if you can describe procrastination in five different ways, then you’re five times more likely to doing said procrastinating. Boom, quick maths.

So if you find yourself in the aforementioned demographic, don’t fear! Because this article is specially written for you.

Just read on and you too could very well come up with a killer post by the time you reach the end.

Step one, procrastinate

Any writer worth their salt will spend more time reading articles on how to write instead of actually writing. That’s a given, and that’s one of the many ways we avoid facing the blank page.

But did you know other forms of procrastination also exist? Yes, other seemingly important tasks such as doing the chores, going to work, and taking care of your children are also ways for you to avoid writing, despite them being more acceptable in society’s eyes.

It’s the difference between day drinking and night drinking. Drink before the sun sets and you’re an alcoholic, but drink at night and you’re fine. Weird way to look at it, since they both involve alcohol, but I digress.

What’s important here is that you embrace your own unique way of procrastinating. After all, no great work was done without first setting it aside.

Take Rome, for example. I’m sure you know it wasn’t built in a day. That’s because the builders waited until the very last minute before rushing out their work for the emperor. Yes, it’s true. No, don’t question me. I’m a professional.

So forget about your schedule. Just keep a vague deadline in mind and bash out your first draft one hour before it’s due.

And don’t worry if you can’t stick to deadlines, because you can always…

2) Apologise for not posting

I’ve done this, you’ve done this, and based on my research (read: procrastination) on the WordPress Reader, everybody does this.

Miss a month of blogging? Apologise to your readers. A year? Ditto. A week? You better. Because you know your readers are biting their nails to their second knuckles waiting for your next ‘how to write a killer blog post’ post.

I mean, you have to explain your disappearance, don’t you? You wouldn’t want any of your readers filing a missing person’s report. It’s the responsible thing to do.

Once that’s done, go ahead and disappear again for a few more months, and then post the high-level version of an apology, the ‘I’ve made too many hiatus posts but I swear I’m back now’ post.

Only after completing the above steps are you ready for the big leagues. It’s time to finally craft that killer article.

A sign

How a hiatus apology looks like. Photo: Etienne Girardet

iii. Go back to basics

When in doubt, write a how-to article. They’re like chicken, tastes good with everything, and everything tastes like chicken. It’s guaranteed ROI. Trust me. I’m a professional.

But don’t actually do proper research or plan out your article beforehand. No, skimming the surface will do, because that’s who you’re writing for, are you not? People who know about the topic only as much as you do? People who’d only base their knowledge off the first page of Google?

So if you’re going to write a post about writing, just throw in sub-headlines like ‘write shorter sentences’ and ‘write drunk, edit sober’. Don’t bother speaking from experience. Time is gold, and you need more of it to procrastinate with.

If you’re writing about web design, make sure your blog looks like it’s straight out from the nineties. If you’re going to teach people how to grow their blog, make sure you do it off your main site that gets three bits of engagement per month.

It’s all about the basics, and your post is going to do a much better job at explaining than all the other hacks you’re plagiarising from.

Number fore, be efficient

Energy is a valuable thing, and you wouldn’t want to waste it doing trivial things like proofreading, presentation, or finding a unique angle.

Just throw out a blob of text without paragraphs. You’re saving valuable seconds every time you avoid pressing the Enter button. In fact, don’t bother using punctuation.

You know how smokers can save thousands per year by first saving on a few dollars each day if they choose not to smoke? You too can save minutes every year if you forgo every other key that’s not the alphabet.

With all that free time, you can instead proofread other people’s work and hate on their comedic use of homophones in their sub-headlines.

That, or you can always procrastinate.

五。 Provide value

Give away your seven-page self-help e-book (that’s a lot of hyphens) for free. Force your readers sign up for your newsletter that will inevitably include a hiatus message. Ask them to pay to read chapter two of your still-incomplete novel.

Whatever it is, you have to beat your reader to the punch. Show them so much value that they won’t be able to resist supporting you, a total stranger on the internet.

Hop into people’s comments section and throw in a link to your blog. Add in more Like and Share buttons than you have words on a page.

They say you should ask so you can receive. So do that, repeatedly, until the internet throws more money and likes your way. Hell yeah #bloggerlife #passiveincome.

By the way, hashtags in your posts are SEO hacks. You’d know that if you read as many ‘SEO basics’ posts like I do.

This way to blogging success

Now that you’re equipped with the five silver bullets of blogging, it’s your turn to go ahead and produce the next killer blog post. Just make sure you all take turns doing it. Don’t wanna go around breaking the internet.

Now go on. Your success awaits you. Trust me, I’m a professional.

73 thoughts on “The Ultimate(est) 5-Step Guide To Writing A Killer Blog Post”

  2. You will excuse me while I go scream privately with laughter so as not to give my fellow housemates heart attacks.

    I swear, I often feel like these ARE the five golden standards of way too many ‘successful’ blogs I come across. It is all disguised procrastination with nothing behind it to back it up. Your punchy attitude reminds me deeply of the comedian JP Sears and pulls this guide together for me with a flair of individuality I find delightful. Thanks for sharing!

    Like

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    • Wow, sometimes a comment arrives and it makes me wish I could write as well as the person who wrote it.

      This is one such comment.

      Thanks for the kind words, and for the schooling on how to write proper comments. And I’m honoured to be compared to JP Sears, even though I’m just learning about him. I appreciate you stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  9. Pretty sure you have called out alot of bloggers on this. See that? No proofreading. A LOT of bloggers. Thanks for swinging by my blog Stuart. I will do my best to post more regularly, or if that fails, at least start posts with that killer apology.

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    • Hahaha, aw yis, the best posts are the ones with truth in them. I love these kinda posts because I love calling myself out. Keeps some sort of accountability thing going on. Thanks so much for stopping by!

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  16. This was quite a fun and unique way of writing what and how to do it, by writing what not to do.
    I do believe quite many do it exactly this way though. I am in the process of rewriting some of my older posts, as I did do it the fast and sloppy way at first.
    I do think that I have improved quite a lot, still things that can be made. So this post really gave me a quite fun way of looking at my own blog. thanks :)

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    • It’s all about changing perspectives, and I’m honoured that I was able to at least do that in the slightest way. Thanks so much for your valuable comment. It’s made my day!

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      Reply

  17. Yo Mr Professional! Truly the best!! Your post came during a week when I’m absolutely PROCRASTINATING to the MAX! Haha…home chores, looking after the kids, etc. I’m doing it all just so I needn’t do the real hard work of writing. But in all fairness, I did finally complete my “20 Things I Learned after 200 posts” series yesterday (available here https://kelvinsmusings.com/). But reading your excellent post makes me realize that I should add #21″Procrastinate!” LOL!! Rock on bro!!

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    • Lol yeah, suddenly all other tasks seem much more bearable when it comes to writing. It’s a great way to get me to clean the house, I’ve found.

      Great series there. It’s amazing work you’re putting on your blog. Keep going, Kelvin!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  18. I feel like there is a ‘Step 6: Plan your blog posts 2 months in advance then promptly ignore all the reminders in your calendar’ in there somewhere. 😂 Guilty as charged. 😅

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  26. “With all that free time, you can instead proofread other people’s work and hate on their comedic use of homophones in their sub-headlines.”

    Hahaha, yeah, I do that too… Wait… ఠ_ఠ

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  27. I literally needed this. I posted a blog today and already want to delete it. I just wasn’t ready to post it yet. I was trying to maintain a schedule and I’m about to take the scheduling away. It can be a lot

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

    • Sometimes the only thing we can do is write. Failing that, we can always procrastinate.

      If it makes you feel any better, Neil deGrasse Tyson did say that if you want to be creative, then you need to be less productive.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply

  29. Loooooved the post. Like I actually mean this. Phenomenal. Now I’d better run off writing the next how-to post, because the world really is begging me. Gotta go. 🤣🤣🤣

    Liked by 2 people

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