Photo: Jukan Tateisi
You’re reading this, so that means you’re most likely on WordPress. And if that’s the case, then you’re probably spending too much time reading other people’s posts instead of writing your own.
Wow, you might think, this guy has such an astute observation!
Elementary, my dear Watson. Most people are already born procrastinators, what more those who choose words as their form of expression.
Because if you can describe procrastination in five different ways, then you’re five times more likely to doing said procrastinating. Boom, quick maths.
So if you find yourself in the aforementioned demographic, don’t fear! Because this article is specially written for you.
Just read on and you too could very well come up with a killer post by the time you reach the end.
Step one, procrastinate
Any writer worth their salt will spend more time reading articles on how to write instead of actually writing. That’s a given, and that’s one of the many ways we avoid facing the blank page.
But did you know other forms of procrastination also exist? Yes, other seemingly important tasks such as doing the chores, going to work, and taking care of your children are also ways for you to avoid writing, despite them being more acceptable in society’s eyes.
It’s the difference between day drinking and night drinking. Drink before the sun sets and you’re an alcoholic, but drink at night and you’re fine. Weird way to look at it, since they both involve alcohol, but I digress.
What’s important here is that you embrace your own unique way of procrastinating. After all, no great work was done without first setting it aside.
Take Rome, for example. I’m sure you know it wasn’t built in a day. That’s because the builders waited until the very last minute before rushing out their work for the emperor. Yes, it’s true. No, don’t question me. I’m a professional.
So forget about your schedule. Just keep a vague deadline in mind and bash out your first draft one hour before it’s due.
And don’t worry if you can’t stick to deadlines, because you can always…
2) Apologise for not posting
I’ve done this, you’ve done this, and based on my research (read: procrastination) on the WordPress Reader, everybody does this.
Miss a month of blogging? Apologise to your readers. A year? Ditto. A week? You better. Because you know your readers are biting their nails to their second knuckles waiting for your next ‘how to write a killer blog post’ post.
I mean, you have to explain your disappearance, don’t you? You wouldn’t want any of your readers filing a missing person’s report. It’s the responsible thing to do.
Once that’s done, go ahead and disappear again for a few more months, and then post the high-level version of an apology, the ‘I’ve made too many hiatus posts but I swear I’m back now’ post.
Only after completing the above steps are you ready for the big leagues. It’s time to finally craft that killer article.
How a hiatus apology looks like. Photo: Etienne Girardet
iii. Go back to basics
When in doubt, write a how-to article. They’re like chicken, tastes good with everything, and everything tastes like chicken. It’s guaranteed ROI. Trust me. I’m a professional.
But don’t actually do proper research or plan out your article beforehand. No, skimming the surface will do, because that’s who you’re writing for, are you not? People who know about the topic only as much as you do? People who’d only base their knowledge off the first page of Google?
So if you’re going to write a post about writing, just throw in sub-headlines like ‘write shorter sentences’ and ‘write drunk, edit sober’. Don’t bother speaking from experience. Time is gold, and you need more of it to procrastinate with.
If you’re writing about web design, make sure your blog looks like it’s straight out from the nineties. If you’re going to teach people how to grow their blog, make sure you do it off your main site that gets three bits of engagement per month.
It’s all about the basics, and your post is going to do a much better job at explaining than all the other hacks you’re plagiarising from.
Number fore, be efficient
Energy is a valuable thing, and you wouldn’t want to waste it doing trivial things like proofreading, presentation, or finding a unique angle.
Just throw out a blob of text without paragraphs. You’re saving valuable seconds every time you avoid pressing the Enter button. In fact, don’t bother using punctuation.
You know how smokers can save thousands per year by first saving on a few dollars each day if they choose not to smoke? You too can save minutes every year if you forgo every other key that’s not the alphabet.
With all that free time, you can instead proofread other people’s work and hate on their comedic use of homophones in their sub-headlines.
That, or you can always procrastinate.
五。 Provide value
Give away your seven-page self-help e-book (that’s a lot of hyphens) for free. Force your readers sign up for your newsletter that will inevitably include a hiatus message. Ask them to pay to read chapter two of your still-incomplete novel.
Whatever it is, you have to beat your reader to the punch. Show them so much value that they won’t be able to resist supporting you, a total stranger on the internet.
Hop into people’s comments section and throw in a link to your blog. Add in more Like and Share buttons than you have words on a page.
They say you should ask so you can receive. So do that, repeatedly, until the internet throws more money and likes your way. Hell yeah #bloggerlife #passiveincome.
By the way, hashtags in your posts are SEO hacks. You’d know that if you read as many ‘SEO basics’ posts like I do.
This way to blogging success
Now that you’re equipped with the five silver bullets of blogging, it’s your turn to go ahead and produce the next killer blog post. Just make sure you all take turns doing it. Don’t wanna go around breaking the internet.
Now go on. Your success awaits you. Trust me, I’m a professional.
I should have known it was going to be satirical when you used the word “Ultimate(est)” in the title lol! Thanks for the Monday morning laugh.
Haha yeah the (est) was a last-minute addition and I’m glad I went with it, looking at your comment. Thanks so much for your support, Victoria!
Haha!!! Noted ✅
✅ Always a great time when you see a checkmark in your comments, lol. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Even after reading this, I’m going to procrastinate further by reading some more of your posts! Lol
That’s the best way to spend your time, really. Read more of my posts to learn how not to approach this blogging thing, lol. Thanks so much for your kind words, Nadine!
This is a helpful post for someone new to blogging, thanks for sharing this
And thank YOU for taking the time to write this comment. It’s much appreciated!
Perfect advice: I hope everybody else follows all of this. I know I never have. (wink, wink) But seriously, I hope they do. I want to look good. ;)
This is the only reason why I write these posts, actually. To spread fake news so I can look good if my propaganda works.
Great read, thank you Stu and YES I am going to now write my next killer blog after only 5 months’ hiatus.
Another hiatus expert! There’s only room for one here :p
Hahaha and you are right, because I just posted so no longer on hiatus! 😁😁
Loooooved the post. Like I actually mean this. Phenomenal. Now I’d better run off writing the next how-to post, because the world really is begging me. Gotta go. 🤣🤣🤣
You bet your ass you should get writing. It’s only fair to share greatness with the world. Thanks for stopping by!
Anytime :)
😆🤣 It was a wonderful way to spend my time! Plus you were right, it motivated me in the end and I have tomorrow’s post ready to publish!
I literally needed this. I posted a blog today and already want to delete it. I just wasn’t ready to post it yet. I was trying to maintain a schedule and I’m about to take the scheduling away. It can be a lot
Sometimes the only thing we can do is write. Failing that, we can always procrastinate.
If it makes you feel any better, Neil deGrasse Tyson did say that if you want to be creative, then you need to be less productive.
“With all that free time, you can instead proofread other people’s work and hate on their comedic use of homophones in their sub-headlines.”
Hahaha, yeah, I do that too… Wait… ఠ_ఠ
I like it when there’s a split second delay before things hit ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
You definitely know your craft. Glad to be here.
And I’m glad you’re here! Thanks so much for the supportive words!
😅😅 Ah this made me laugh.
Aw yis, I’m glad my stabs at humour worked.
Love the tone with this! Just have to drop appreciation that you changed the numbering format on each heading 😅
Number 2 is every YouTuber 😭
I’ve learnt a lot here 😂
So much chaos but we love it still 😂
A hard kick in the ass disguised by light-hearted fun 😛. The more excuses you pillory, Stu, and I’m going to have none left.
best advice I’ve read about blogging since I started six years ago. pure gold :)
Hahaha, love this! I am so guilty of apologizing if it has been some time since I last posted!
Sorry I took a while to reply to this comment. I was on a comment hiatus. Heh.
Seriously though, thanks for stopping by!
I feel like there is a ‘Step 6: Plan your blog posts 2 months in advance then promptly ignore all the reminders in your calendar’ in there somewhere. 😂 Guilty as charged. 😅
Lol yeah let’s just lump them all under ‘procrastination’ because breaking things down like that just eats away at sweet, sweet procrastination time :P
Yo Mr Professional! Truly the best!! Your post came during a week when I’m absolutely PROCRASTINATING to the MAX! Haha…home chores, looking after the kids, etc. I’m doing it all just so I needn’t do the real hard work of writing. But in all fairness, I did finally complete my “20 Things I Learned after 200 posts” series yesterday (available here https://kelvinsmusings.com/). But reading your excellent post makes me realize that I should add #21″Procrastinate!” LOL!! Rock on bro!!
Lol yeah, suddenly all other tasks seem much more bearable when it comes to writing. It’s a great way to get me to clean the house, I’ve found.
Great series there. It’s amazing work you’re putting on your blog. Keep going, Kelvin!
This was quite a fun and unique way of writing what and how to do it, by writing what not to do.
I do believe quite many do it exactly this way though. I am in the process of rewriting some of my older posts, as I did do it the fast and sloppy way at first.
I do think that I have improved quite a lot, still things that can be made. So this post really gave me a quite fun way of looking at my own blog. thanks :)
It’s all about changing perspectives, and I’m honoured that I was able to at least do that in the slightest way. Thanks so much for your valuable comment. It’s made my day!
Ha! This is so amazing! I love these brilliant satire posts of yours! This is just gold.
I think I may have found my new genre. At least this way, I have an excuse for poor research and bad structuring, lol. Always glad to see you here!
Hey, they say there is a time and place for everything! Really though, you do this style of piece so well. I love these
Such satire Stu! Been a while, hope you’re doing well. How’s it going with the book?
Been a while indeed! Thanks so much for taking the time to stop by. It’s been going all right. Just learning that writing and marketing it are two totally different beasts.
My pleasure! Wish you the best Stu, hope everything works out for you.
Thanks for this insight! Family and work is a heck of a procrastination excuse, but I’m going to try and follow some of your pointers. Lol!
Lol, the sooner we accept that everything is procrastination, the quicker we can get to writing. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Funny, and to the point. Well done.
Aww thanks so much for the kind words!
Satire? Yes. True statements on how I operate at times? Also yes😳
Lol, satire based off real-world experience is the best. Thanks for being honest and admitting to them though :P
Anytime 😊
When I started reading, I was too confused and only half way though did I get it’s purpose 😂
Lolol it’d be pretty interesting to see what would happen if you actually applied everything listed here. Thanks so much for stopping by and for dropping this comment!
Pretty sure you have called out alot of bloggers on this. See that? No proofreading. A LOT of bloggers. Thanks for swinging by my blog Stuart. I will do my best to post more regularly, or if that fails, at least start posts with that killer apology.
Hahaha, aw yis, the best posts are the ones with truth in them. I love these kinda posts because I love calling myself out. Keeps some sort of accountability thing going on. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Definitely Noted!!😂
Lol but please don’t.
Of course!
Love this. Advice with a side of good willed snark!
Lol, I’m glad you see the snark as good-willed. Love your comment!
What is ‘ROI’?
Return on investment :)
Thanks . Your words have lift up my spirit to write more .
And your comment has lifted my spirits! Thanks for stopping by!
Wow, this was so fun to read! I like your technique of changing the numeric system of each item. It actually helped me focus better.
Haha really? Wow, that’s a good side effect that I never knew would happen. Thanks so much for stopping by!
Love it. I’m still stuck on step one. Can’t seem to move on lol
Well step one is always the best step, so I don’t blame you for that, lol.
You will excuse me while I go scream privately with laughter so as not to give my fellow housemates heart attacks.
I swear, I often feel like these ARE the five golden standards of way too many ‘successful’ blogs I come across. It is all disguised procrastination with nothing behind it to back it up. Your punchy attitude reminds me deeply of the comedian JP Sears and pulls this guide together for me with a flair of individuality I find delightful. Thanks for sharing!
Wow, sometimes a comment arrives and it makes me wish I could write as well as the person who wrote it.
This is one such comment.
Thanks for the kind words, and for the schooling on how to write proper comments. And I’m honoured to be compared to JP Sears, even though I’m just learning about him. I appreciate you stopping by!
Delighted to share my thoughts, Stuart! Thanks for your kind words too. ☺️
I love your posts! Thank you 😊
And I love your comments! I’m really thankful you chose to stop by!