Don’t Try

/ Stuart Danker

On Bukowski’s grave are the words ‘Don’t try’, an epitaph that leaves much room for interpretation. This coming from a man who wrote for decades without compensation, who dared to suffer for his craft, and who was also a loser by society’s standards.

Yet I can’t help feeling a connection with the Buk. He was a loner, I’m a loner. He loved drinking, I love drinking. He quit writing for 10 years, and I’m… well…

I’ve written all I need to write, and now there’s a lack of life to sustain the output. I don’t feel what I write anymore, and that’s a problem. Because how do I coax feelings out of you when I don’t feel anything myself?

Weirdly enough, I’m not trying to write this piece right here. The words are just seeping through, like steam escaping a kettle.

But I’ve tried, too. I’ve written several novels and thousands of articles, all of which have never seen the light of day. I’ve wrung my brain dry only to stash my words in the Drafts folder.

I’ve tried at my job and at sports. I’ve tried in relationships: I bit my tongue when I had something to say, smiled when I was sad, said I was fine when I really wasn’t. And all I got was a participation trophy.

But I’ve also not tried. I called her my moon and she called me romantic. I mentioned stealing pens and she laughed till she cried. I never tried to be romantic or funny, but was seen as such.

What, then, does it mean to try? Because if Fate sees fit to give or take as she pleases, why am I going against all that I am just so that I could squeeze into a square hole?

So perhaps ‘don’t try’, in this context, doesn’t mean forgoing effort. Maybe it means ‘don’t be who you’re not’.

It means not writing if you’ve fallen out of love with the craft, no matter how much you’ve built your identity around it. It means choosing other hard things — like running every day — because it doesn’t feel like trying. It means accepting the good and bad of any pursuit, especially the bad.

So maybe writing is going to take a back seat. Or maybe it’ll take centre stage. I don’t know. Because for the first time in a long while, I’m finally going to stop trying.

“Somebody at one of these places asked me: ‘What do you do? How do you write, create?’ You don’t, I told them. You don’t try. That’s very important: not to try, either for Cadillacs, creation or immortality. You wait, and if nothing happens, you wait some more.” —Charles Bukowski

60 thoughts on “Don’t Try”

  1. I’m over here from Make Your Day Count…because I thought your blog title was interesting. Now I’m sad to see that you’re not writing at the moment. Or maybe you are but just in another place. I hope you’re doing OK, wherever you are. I know readers get attached to their bloggers and worry when one stops. Sending you some positivity today, and hope today is a good day for you!

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    • Thanks for your kind words! I may not be writing at the moment, but it will always be my main method of expression, so my next post might be right around the corner, especially with the energy transfer you’ve given me through your comment :)

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  2. I agree with the idea that “don’t try” can mean “don’t try too hard” or “don’t be what you’re not”. I’ve found when I really try to push something that I don’t feel any passion for, it’s a struggle. When I’m writing something I enjoy, it’s a natural flow. One small exception I’ve found is that if I don’t have a regular writing schedule, it can be tough at first to get back into that natural flow, and I might need to “force it” a bit to get started. This week, I discovered that setting a timer creates a good sense of pressure for me to start writing. If I set an hour timer, for the first few minutes, I’m not enjoying the writing process. Then, about ten minutes through the timer, I’m on a roll and enjoying myself. I’m even bummed out when it goes off, lol.

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    • I, too, feel the benefits of regular writing instead of ‘quality’ writing. Making time for writing every day does so much more than waiting for the muse.

      We still have to try, but in a different way, amirite? Thanks for your comment, btw!

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  3. You may not feel like you “made it” as a writer but you have. Your blog and your words have inspired me more than you know. You’re a great writer, you’re real, you’re honest and insightful. I wrote since I could write- before I even realized I was writing. As I got older I was obsessed and wrote all the time. Then, as an adult, I slowly stopped- because life seemed to get in the way. Do you know I actually felt my brain change? I saw the world differently- I felt myself losing that thing that we as writers are. I didn’t see the world in how I’d write it, I just saw it. Plainly in front of me- not translating into how I’d convey it on paper. And, then, I missed it. I missed writing, I missed that part of me I lost. Almost ten years later, I started to try writing again- I cursed myself because I struggled to let it flow. Badly! I hated myself for giving up on writing, thinking I could be so much better if I didn’t stop. And, maybe I wouldn’t be- who knows. But, I needed that break to live my life and to deal with everything around me. But, it came at a great cost to my own self and my personal identity. Then, I came across your blog. I’m not kidding. A few years ago you wrote a blog and said something along the lines of being a writer is writing even if no one else sees it. And, that changed everything for me. You inspired me and grounded me to see that writing isn’t for anyone but it’s for the actual act of writing- for the love of it. I hope you can have that again… I hope you can shed the expectations and the pressures and write because you can’t not write. No one has to see it, you don’t have to write on a schedule or timeline. But, you’re a writer. I know it will come to you when you are mentally ready for it. We all need breaks sometimes. I hope you’re well, I hope you’re happy- even small moments of laughter. And, above all, please know your writing brought me guidance and perspective when I needed it most. It kept me from completely giving up. So, if you take nothing from this comment, please just take my gratefulness.

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  4. “So perhaps ‘don’t try’, in this context, doesn’t mean forgoing effort. Maybe it means ‘don’t be who you’re not’.”
    I love love love this part. Just answered certain pressing questions for me.
    Thank you so much.

    I hope you stay in love with your writing. I hope it’s all worth it.

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  5. I agree with,” Don’t try.” My motto is that anything I want to do, like writing, a creative project, or a daily task, doesn’t come from my heart, then I don’t try or force myself to do it. There are times when I have not written for months, and then one day, words just flow from my heart effortlessly, and a post materializes. Or a long-forgotten art project gets a new lease of life and gets completed.
    Best wishes, Stewart.

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  7. I’m slowly getting to realise as I go through the years that there is beauty and freedom in letting go, in letting life carry you away for some time, instead of trying so hard to hold onto something that doesn’t work anymore, or just something that sometimes feels too hard. Our society makes us think that if we don’t have a goal and don’t work towards it, our life has no sense or purpose, but maybe that is not about it at all. Maybe, as you say, sometimes we just need to stop trying to regain our strength and motivation, to get a new perspective an to avoid taking things (and ourselves) too seriously.

    I’m sending you lots of encouragement to let go and breathe a bit before diving back into what you love – whatever that is.

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    • Love your thoughts! You’re putting into words what I feel as well. It’s not that we give up, but more of we’re trying to be ourselves. And that can be more painful than going down a path we hate just because the world tells us to. Thanks so much for your lovely words!

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  8. I was commissioned to ghostwrite a historical romance novel a few years ago. My client said she’d like the main character’s father to die in the first chapter. I had never written anything so blatantly tragic before and I couldn’t even finish the first chapter before telling her, “I’m sorry, but I can’t write this.” It put me off writing for awhile because it dawned on me that creating that world, as fictional as it was, made me feel like a cruel god. I hated myself for it and it made reading stories involving death and destruction impossible for me. I was also going through a lot at that time, but after enough tragedy in my real life, fictional tragedies didn’t seem so painful to me. I sought refuge and comfort in sad stories and songs. Now, after years of not writing, I’m finally working on my own novel, and I’m challenging myself to include some darker themes and tragedy. Sometimes the most beautiful things grow in darkness. Also, there’s nothing wrong with taking a break. Everyone needs a break.

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    • I love how you pointed out that beautiful things grow in darkness. Darkness will come our way, whether we like it or not. But it’s through these ups and downs that our own stories surface. Thanks for leaving such a thoughtful comment!

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  9. I think I will, too, Stuart. I think I will stop trying. Relationship is not working for me (even though I’ve helped bunch of people nurturing their relationships).

    When it comes to a woman falling in love with me that shit always ends up going south. Being a coach, I’d try and try and try to make the woman understand what I want, how I felt, what I’m trying to become but to no avail.

    I used to understand my partner, not ever trying to change them (good or bad as long as they’re respectful just the way I respected them) but then the whole relationship stuff still ends in reverse: the relationship always ended.

    Maybe I am not suited for marriage (couldn’t say but look like). And now I am coming to understand the concept, too, “Don’t try”.

    Maybe not trying is actually the right shit I could have dedicated my life too.

    So yeah! Sometimes we just have to stop forcing the shit out of our litmus mind, soul and body.

    Thank you, Stuart, for written this.

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    • I used to fall into the lure of pick-up communities, so I understand a thing or two about trying but falling short in relationships. It took a long while of letting go and learning to be myself before I found great partners. Some things work for others, and it’s fine if they don’t work for us. It’s our job to differentiate them, though. Great to see you again!

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  11. It’s so interesting reading all the comments on this. So many of us are going through something similar, trying to find our way, our authenticity, ourselves. Be kind to yourself and don’t worry too much about others standards and expectations. You do what’s right for YOU. Take care and sending love. 💗

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  13. Huh. Great perspective. I’ve never heard of Bukowski (now I feel terribly ignorant), but the concept of just letting go and free-flowing through life seems sound to me.

    I always enjoy your writing, Stuart. With or without the goat blood. At least pens were mentioned. ;)

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  15. I think we need to distinguish between not trying in the sense of not trying so hard, that we’re doing whatever the activity in question is, but not busting our crack to the point where we’re miserable. There’s also something to be said for going through the motions at the times when we’re at a low point, to tide us over until the day when we’re feeling it again. But sometimes when we do keep finding ourselves up against the same wall over and over, maybe then it’s time to not try.

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  16. I’ve hit a bit of a roadblock myself, too, Stuart. I can’t say that I’m “not trying,” because I do get up in the morning and write 30 minutes, no matter what. But I’ve lost my motivation right now, for whatever reason. It may not be permanent, but I liken my daily half-hour of writing to working out in the gym but not actually playing the sport or participating on the team. And that’s okay. Maybe your motivation will return, maybe not. But just enjoy whatever it is you ARE doing now, without guilt!

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  17. I’m on a bit of a slowdown myself, Stuart. I wouldn’t call it “not trying” because I do get up and write for half an hour each morning. But my motivation has hit an all-time low, so those 30 minutes are rather just like working out and not actually playing the sport. I think that’s okay. Maybe your motivation will come back again, maybe not. In the meantime, just enjoy whatever you ARE doing.

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  20. This definitely comes from a valley. Not a mountaintop. 😉 Like you, Stuart, I’ve seen both. Discouragement ebbs and flows, but your value as a human being remains. We all have to take an active role, especially when motivation isn’t so exciting. You are good at many things. Writing and others. Sometimes we have to ask ourselves: What is the most valuable thing I can pursue right now? Maybe it’s writing, maybe parenting (or husbanding). You’ll keep us posted, right?

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  21. Hey Stuart, great stuff as always. I haven’t read your blog in a year and a half, and this one really hits home.

    I’ve gone through a few more of your posts and found them helpful, especially when you talk about being an introvert. Can you believe I never realized I was an introvert until last year?! Even crazier—I couldn’t accept it.

    Last year was a mess of mind-crushing, heart-wrenching soul-searching. Somewhere in the middle of it, I figured out I was an introvert. I always thought I was talkative until someone pointed out how quiet I actually am.

    Reading this post reminds me of something: as my confidence in being myself has grown, I’ve stopped trying to be someone else. But damn, it’s hard sometimes. Like when I want to talk to the hot chick but have no words—nothing to start with, nothing to keep it going. Frustrating as hell. Makes me feel like a loser.

    But maybe not. I’m not trying to be who I’m not, right? This is who I am. So to hell with it.

    Take care.

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  22. Well Stuart, I think trying is important, if for nothing else just to test our own skills and understanding of the world around us. However, I don’t believe we should force ourselves down a path that no longer interests us. Life can be hard, remember to keep those most dear to you close to your heart.

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    • Forcing things is where the line blurs. Sometimes even the most effortful challenges don’t feel forced, and I’m intrigued where the true divider lies. Thanks for your thoughts!

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  24. Aloha e Stuart,

    It’s been a bit since I read your blog. You have a unique outlook that I enjoy reading, butif you take a break from writing that’s ok. Maybe a break from drinking would be more productive. Many of us are having a rough time in 2025. Give yourself a break. Take a vacation, even for a day. Rest. Chat in person with old friends. Plan some travel. Buk was an interesting fellow, but not such a good role model.

    Malama pono and take good care,

    Kris

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  25. While I agree about not molding yourself to the expectations of society, I don’t agree with the not trying bit. Because if I didn’t try, I would be just another blind wretch who didn’t even went through the primary school.

    Thanks for increasing my books to be read list.

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    • It’s interesting that I see it as ‘don’t force yourself’ rather than ‘don’t put in effort’. Goes to show why people still discuss Bukowski’s epitaph till today, lol. When I die, I want an equally vague one!

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