So I Wore All Black For A Year To Improve My Social Skills

Stuart in black tee doing stand-up comedy
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. My pre-all-black days.

I’ve always worn a black T-shirt for as far as I can remember. Scroll back through my Instagram account and you’ll probably catch the rogue grey or white, but I’ve always leaned more toward black clothes.

I have to credit my genesis story to the series Californication. Hank Moody was a true inspiration to the budding writer that was yours truly, and so I adopted the fictional character’s wardrobe, as well as the philosophy of a personal uniform.

But then came the next level—the day I decided to wear all black. Every day.

I remember the pivotal moment exactly. I was at an event and I didn’t know anyone. I had a blazer on, which was a tad tight. I wore a button-up over a pair of jeans. Then to top it all off, I had work boots on my feet.

I felt the tightness everywhere. It was a warm venue, so my pits were getting damp. I remember feeling already overwhelmed by the social setting. Then I had to deal with the discomfort of ‘looking cool’. And after all that trouble, I impressed nobody. I also had the worst time of my life.

That was when I learned I had worse problems than my fashion sense. I was socially challenged, and I couldn’t live in the present. And I had a strong suspicion that you could’ve dressed me in Prada and I’d still fumble my way through events.

So ever since then, I vowed to dress as simply as possible, and to only wear all black. It’s been more than a year since that fated day, and here’s what I’ve learned so far.

Stu at a Montblanc event in all black
More recent event pic. Enjoyed this one a lot. Could it be the all-black getup?

1. Through restriction comes creativity

I may not have the entire colour palette at my disposal, but I still have fabric and cutting. And I see how much difference one inch makes, or how polyester hangs off your legs differently from corduroy.

Plus, when I compare all my black clothes side by side, I start to notice the different hues of black too.

It’s almost as if restricting myself opens up new doors to self-expression. And I get as many combinations as someone with Skittles for a wardrobe.

Also, I’ve defaulted to a daily uniform—a medium-fitting tee with medium-fitting pants—and through that combination alone, I’m able to create very different fits. Sometimes I wear a cap, a necklace, a hoodie, a jacket.

And just like writing, when you challenge yourself to work with less, you sometimes get much, much more in return.

Stu and the Augustman team at an Aston Martin X Girard-Perregaux event
With the lovely Augustman team. Almost similar clothes as the previous pic.

2. Simplicity bears its joys

You’d think that owning a lot of the same clothes would be a lot more boring, but there are many benefits that make me enjoy this lifestyle.

First is the straightforward laundry. No need to separate my clothes by colour here. The downside is that my favourite black shirt can sometimes turn into a needle that I’d have to find in the haystack that is my unsorted laundry.

Then again, it’s somewhat calming to open my drawer and find stacks of the same t-shirt. I’m looking to do the same with my underwear and socks, but those take a backseat now that I have a daughter.

Does anyone else feel the same way? Or am I the only weirdo here? And speaking of weirdness, here’s another one for you.

Stu in all black at Aquaria KLCC
Out on a photoshoot recce.

3. I like to think I’m part of a secret clique

Once you go all black, you start noticing others who do too. And you keep tabs on them. When they wear black all week, you file them under the list of ‘my people’. You both don’t speak about it, like in Fight Club. Every time they look at you, you imagine them giving you a secret nod. One that’s shared between the society of closet goths.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Stu all black at work
Working at a rooftop photoshoot

4. Routine is good

I used to enjoy a routine before my daughter came into my life. Work before the pandemic was filled with routine, full-time at the office and all. Then the pandemic hit, and my routine became more rigid, because what else could you do when you couldn’t leave the house?

These days, I’m lucky to have the same bedtime. And get this: my office schedule rotates. Every. Week. Will I be busy next Wednesday? I don’t know. Do I have time to write? Depends on how much my daughter sleeps. I feel like a gazelle in the savannahs of Africa, in a constant state of reaction the moment I wake up.

But a black wardrobe anchors me somewhat. I know that no matter how hectic life gets, I’d still leave the house wearing all black. And I take comfort in that. Sometimes, in the absence of big wins, you gotta relish the small ones.

Or am I just being weird again?

stu-tedx
Thanks for coming to my TED Talk. Also, different shades of black.

5. People don’t really care much about you

I know it’s cliche to say this, but they really don’t. I first chose the colour black because I thought it’d help me blend in with the crowd. If I don’t wear anything vibrant, maybe nobody would look at me.

And yes, being fashionably boring has helped me skirt unnoticed along the sidelines—even acquaintances don’t see me sometimes. But one bigger takeaway I’ve gotten from wearing all black is that people are too busy worrying about themselves to spend their time judging you.

And that’s a pretty empowering realisation on my part, especially as a socially awkward turtle. It’s good to know that I can blurt out the wrong name or bump into a waiter and still go incognito as far as the crowd is concerned.

So, has dressing up this way helped me grow my social skills? That’s still a work in progress. But I must say, I’ve never felt more comfortable in any other experiment I’ve tried. That comfort gives me confidence. And I guess confidence ain’t a bad thing to wear either.

41 responses to “So I Wore All Black For A Year To Improve My Social Skills”

  1. AmbersBlue Avatar
    AmbersBlue

    Awesome! Well you have a cheerful smile and a witty sense. I guess thats enough of the glow-up you need for your social skills. Other things are just additions to what you already have(what was needed)!😄

    Like

  2. wordsandcoffee1 Avatar
    wordsandcoffee1

    Black washes me out pretty badly, so I don’t wear a lot of black. You might find me wearing various shades of all blue at least once a week. I appreciate all the potentially different black shades, though. Also, as a communication instructor, I have to say that you should go with whatever makes you feel more confident or comfortable when interacting with others.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      IKR? I wonder where we draw the line between looking good as per society’s standards (dress codes and all) and dressing up the way we’re truly comfortable in. I actually never knew you were a communication instructor, Sarah, so that’s a new tidbit for me to learn!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. wordsandcoffee1 Avatar
        wordsandcoffee1

        Yep, I teach written and oral communication. 😁 Writing is really more of my passion and what I went to school for, but I love talking with people, too! I am also interested in what society wants/expects vs our wants/expectations; I think I probably bore some of my students with random philosophical wonderings, but it’s good for them. 😅

        Like

  3. ParentingIsFunny Avatar
    ParentingIsFunny

    Another good one. And did you really give a Ted Talk? That seems… uuhhmm…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Lol yeah I did, but it was TEDx, so more independently organised rather than the actual event itself. But I saw your comment on IG. Which reminds me, I’ve gotta check out your profile too :D

      Liked by 1 person

      1. ParentingIsFunny Avatar
        ParentingIsFunny

        That’s cool and super impressive for a fellow introvert. What did you talk about?

        Like

      2. Stuart Danker Avatar
        Stuart Danker

        About how writing is for everybody. It’s also on YouTube, but I feel a bit cringe looking back at it, lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. ParentingIsFunny Avatar
        ParentingIsFunny

        Haha. Wouldn’t we all, though? :)

        Like

  4. So I Wore All Black For A Year To Improve My Social Skills Avatar
    So I Wore All Black For A Year To Improve My Social Skills

    […] So I Wore All Black For A Year… on Your Friendly Malaysian Writer […]

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  5. Amelia Desertsong Avatar
    Amelia Desertsong

    There are lots of people who only wear all-black. I’ve known quite a few of them, and I don’t think there’s anything weird about it. It’s one less thing you have to think about, coordinating outfits and whatnot. And as you said, sticking to a single color still allows you plenty of options; it’s just that you start thinking about what you’re actually wearing in a different way.

    However, I’ve never really believed in the “limitation breeds creativity” concept. In my view, limitations simply make you more resourceful. Of course, such resourcefulness can lead to creativity, but I believe it’s more of an indirect relationship than people realize. What some people call enforced “limitations” or “restrictions” are more akin to “streamlining” and simplification of certain processes, which allows you to spend more ENERGY and FOCUS on being creative. So yes, I suppose you could say that limitations and restrictions help creativity, but it’s a bit of an oversimplification of a much more nuanced concept :) In any case, you’ve found what works for you and that’s great!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Love how comments can take a different tangent and give me more to think about. This is why I adore WordPress. I like your take on limitation breeds creativity, and it’s apparent you’ve already thought about this subject matter a lot. I don’t have a hard stance on it so I thank you for your perspective! Giving you heart signs in my black clothes :P

      Liked by 2 people

  6. A weirdo with... Avatar
    A weirdo with…

    I used to wear a lot of black too. I see the simplicity in wearing that. Still I got so bored of it, so now I sort of refuse to buy black clothes if I can have my say. The more color the better!

    Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Love how we go through our phases, whatever that may be. Who knows? Maybe next time you’ll go greyscale? Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. AM Avatar
        AM

        You’re welcome!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. rcdowding Avatar
    rcdowding

    I’d say you are ‘weird but in a good way.’ 😂 You May be surprised by the number of people who have a ‘uniform’ wardrobe. I’ve never liked shopping for clothes. I keep to a very simple colour palette black or white or both. Occasionally I add a splash of colour and if I do I make it count. Hot pink is my go to. I’m an extrovert so I don’t work at being invisible. It’s more of a decision fatigue thing. How clothes feel is paramount for me. If it’s tight or scratchy or uncomfortable in any way it doesn’t belong in my wardrobe. Life is too short.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      ‘Weird in a good way’ is amazing and I’ll take that compliment :P

      Oh yeah and I totally get that hate for scratchy clothes. There’s this jacket whose collar keeps tugging at my hair. It’s doubly annoying when I drive. Gah. Comfortable clothes for life.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Amorina Rose Avatar
    Amorina Rose

    This was a fun read but in the end had a very good point to make. I am almost tempted to try it. The simplicity leaves the road open to deeper thinking.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Part of me feels like I embark on these experiments just because. Which is why I’m encouraging you to try it too, if you’re feeling that curiosity, lol. Always great to learn more about ourselves!

      Like

  9. Dubem Avatar
    Dubem

    You’re the second person I’m noticing that has tried this. The first is a YouTuber named Matt D’Avella.

    Seems like something I’d like to try with Beige, or one of the B-colours. Glad you enjoyed the experience!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Yeah, I think that’s the upside of being in the creative field. We get to dictate our wardrobe, at least, lol. I’d love to hear your experience if you do try it. Anyway, I appreciate your email you sent a while back. Sorry I haven’t gotten back to it!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. aprilgarner Avatar
    aprilgarner

    I’m more of a lotsa color person with clothes, but I feel you on the comfort. I’ve been in many socially uncomfortable situations. Then I’ve gone and worn something I thought made me look fashionable, even though it’s too tight or itchy or keeps falling off my shoulder, which only exacerbates my social anxiety. (Is it warm in here??) Now, especially when delving into the potentially socially awkward, I prioritize physical comfort. ‘Guess a lot of us have had to learn this the hard way.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      I mean, I used to be uncomfortable a lot in the clubs when I was younger. I thought that was par for the course. Turns out, comfort doesn’t mean dressing down. I definitely had to learn that the hard way. After all, personal style is not trends, amirite? Thanks so much for your lovely thoughts, April!

      Like

      1. aprilgarner Avatar
        aprilgarner

        Exactly. There is a sweet spot where physical comfort meets personal style — a nice place to be.

        Like

  11. Brad Borland Avatar
    Brad Borland

    Not weird at all! In a similar way, I’m a little of the same when it comes to gym wear. Many gym-goers will try to drape themselves in expensive performance clothing as if it’ll make them lift heavier or lose fat faster. I go with one company of super cheap stuff. It mostly looks the same, but it’s one thing that i don’t have to put much thought into. The workout takes priority.

    I applaud you, sir!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Haha. We have a Decathlon here, and it costs like USD 8 per pair of running shorts or tees. I still have a mish-mash of my old gym clothes, but I’m very tempted to start over with seven pairs of the same shorts, socks, and shirts! In fact, I might do that next week! Thanks for the spark, Brad :P

      Liked by 1 person

  12. a girl named rob Avatar
    a girl named rob

    Welcome to the secret society of all black wearers!

    I throw in other neutrals (some denim, navy, and gray), but I share your experience. Sticking to a signature look streamlines the shopping experience, makes you more creative within your limits, and adds ease to your day to day interactions because you can focus on the people around you and not how you look in your clothes.

    Loved this post. And you look pretty snazzy in your suits!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      You really hit the nail on the head there. Focusing on others because we can forget how we look in our clothes is the ultimate benefit to having a personal uniform. I already know how I look—not experimenting with anything new—and that assurance really does free up the mind. Love your comment, and thanks for the compliment!

      Like

  13. Tanish Shrivastava Avatar
    Tanish Shrivastava

    I swear. In a stressful social situation, uncomfortable clothing is the last thing I need. So I always choose comfort over looks. I don’t worry about colors much, because of my blindness. Though I always like to have a confirmation that whatever I am wearing is looking good. Because people are already judging me for my disability. I don’t want them to judge me on my clothes too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      I can always count on you for interesting takes on the topic at hand. You always provide a much needed perspective. And yeah, ties get tighter and jackets get warmer whenever we’re in tough social situations, ain’t it? Ain’t nobody got time to doubt ourselves. Comfortable clothes for life!

      Like

  14. petespringerauthor Avatar
    petespringerauthor

    Whatever helps us feel more confident is a win. I don’t have much fashion sense, but black is my primary color too. My philosophy is simple: if I feel good, I’m more likely to put out a positive, friendly vibe.

    Like

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Hey Pete! Aw yeah, I must admit, I’ve forsaken my personal comfort to wear what I think others would think looks good, and that’s such a terrible way to go about life. Black is always the safest colour for sure. So great to be able to chat with you again, amidst all this busy-ness.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. petespringerauthor Avatar
        petespringerauthor

        I hope married life is going well for you. We’ve got our first grandchild on the way in about five weeks.

        Like

  15. Miriam Avatar
    Miriam

    I went through a stage of wearing mainly black, back in my younger years, these days I blend the dark in with lighter colours, though for some reason I’m drawn to people that wear all black. They actually stand out for me so go figure! Really enjoyed reading your post. 😌

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Aw yis, it’s great to know that I’d stand out to some, so your comment makes my day, Miriam! And I’m lovin your Sapa post!

      Like

  16. arbpen Avatar
    arbpen

    I’ve been wearing all black almost all my life. When I was four years old, I told my mother I wanted a black turtle-neck sweater for Christmas. Believe it or not, stationed in Germany, she found one. Today, Thursday, March 28, 2024, since Easter Sunday is on the 31st, I broke my black-only rule and I’m wearing a white dress with pearls and cloisonne Easter egg earrings to work. Gotta look festive! But after that, it’s back to black.

    Black is great because if you drop something on it, it doesn’t show. The only issue is cleaning with black clothes if you use bleach. Believe me, I have few things that are house-only that sadly met the fate of bleach.

    Happy holidays to you. I do so enjoy reading your articles.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Haha, gotta admit, the stain resistance is one of the reasons why I chose black, though brown would suit that purpose better. After having a baby, however, I’ve realised that black is the worst colour to wear when dealing with stale formula and baby puke lol. I appreciate your appreciation. It means a lot!

      Like

  17. Milena Alien Avatar
    Milena Alien

    I was all black back in high school, I loved it, my goth days were sad and stylish, now I try to be more of a hippie. The other day I wore all black to school, it was ACT testing day, I got so much attention that I realized I can’t wear black. People love me even more, it can be a problem lol

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      Hahaha, I can see how it’d be a problem if too many people love you. Thankfully, that won’t be the case for me. Thanks for stopping by!

      Liked by 1 person

  18. Thomas Slatin Avatar
    Thomas Slatin

    Throughout my tenure in the fire department, my daily attire oscillated between the formality of my dress uniform and the imperative necessity of protective gear, a routine that, despite its monotony, provided a sense of uniformity and purpose.

    The notion that men might find ease in the repetitiveness of their wardrobe, wearing the same ensemble day in and day out, is one I can understand, even if it’s a simplicity I find myself envying at times. Every day, I embark on a journey, one that can consume ten minutes (sometimes longer), as I look through my wardrobe.

    My wife, on the other hand, approaches her wardrobe in a way I find intriguing. For her, the day’s forecast is the compass by which she plots her wardrobe choices, an approach that speaks to her practical nature.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Stuart Danker Avatar
      Stuart Danker

      I love anything repetitive. Routines, wardrobes, menus. Hmm, you’ve helped me figure out something new about myself. And yeah, ten minutes is quite some time to stare at your wardrobe indeed. But that’s not wrong at all! I myself would love to be able to close my eyes and still pick out my clothes for the day, lol. Maybe I’m ratchet like that.

      Liked by 1 person

I’d love to hear your thoughts!